Hello.

I'm here. Our computer crashed (again)...so, you know how it goes. I'm going to return some new jeans tomorrow because they have too low of a rise. And my low rise jeans days are a thing of the past. A moment of silence for my youth, please. Before the baby came along I used to give Allie a bath biweekly. Now? It's a once a month sort of thing. Today I had to give her a bath because, DUDE, she stunk. Ruth is beyond delightful. She's taken to snorting like a pig when she's excited. It's freaking hilarious. I snort when I laugh. Mr Darling swears I taught her to snort. I did not.

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showing us who's boss.

remember last night when i thought it was a good idea to stay up late and blog instead of sleep?

ha. HA. HA.

from the times of midnight to 8 a.m., miss ruth decided it would be a good idea to get up nine times. NINE. for those of you who are like myself and mathematically challenged, that is more than once an hour. it was a long night.

i'm sure someday i'll sleep again.
but until then it will take industrial strength spackle to cover up these dark circles.

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because obviously the smart decision would be to blog instead of sleep right now.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
bought a house.

grew a human inside my body.

gave birth to that human, without pain medication, after 23 hours of labor.

realized you cannot die from extreme sleep deprivation. even though you sort of want to.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

pretty sure my one resolution was to just survive this year. 

mission accomplished.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

pretty much every single girl i was friends with whilst living in west africa gave birth this year.

it was super weird.

4. Did anyone close to you die?


my mimi.

mr. darling's great-grandma and his grandpa.

5. What countries did you visit?



just this one.

i really should get out more.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

more sleep. 

less drama in the MIL department. 

more peace. 

less anxiety about irrational fears.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

september 19.

may 24.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?



giving birth.

becoming a mom. 

all of us making it through the year happy, healthy and with most of our sanity intact.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not showing mr. darling enough patience in my sleep deprived state.

not fighting hard enough for the peace of our family.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
two bouts of mastitis. which kind of felt like someone beat my boob with a baseball bat.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
our home.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  
mr. darling. he is such a wonderful dad. and a great husband. he has put up with a lot from me as i have struggled to function with little sleep and lots of stress. 

my family. to say they are a blessing to us, my parents and sister, is an offensive understatement. we love them more than words can express.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


ha. HA. ha. oh, geez. i try not to air dirty laundry on here, so i'll just say...a certain woman in our life. she made this year very difficult.

14. Where did most of your money go?
home down payment. mortgage. bills. you know, the usual.

15. What did you get really excited about?
miss ruth.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
jesus loves me.

What scent will always remind you of 2011?
calvin klein's eternity.

aveeno baby and burt's baby bee.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

(a) happier or sadder?
(b) thinner or fatter?
(c) richer or poorer?

(a) happier in most ways.

(b) thinner. thank you, breastfeeding.

(c) poorer. but much wiser in how we spend/save our money.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?


just sit in the presence of my Lord.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

 

worry. freak out about things i have no control of. allow certain people to rob our home and lives of peace and harmony.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
on the ranch.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
yes. with my husband and daughter. over and over again.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
i love big bang theory. (love that they now show reruns on tbs!)

new girl is absolutely hysterical. and modern family. so great.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
 

no. but there are people that i certainly dislike a lot more this year, as compared to last. mainly because they keep revealing more and more of their true character. and it's not pretty. not at all.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

i'm not very good at discovering or liking new music. that's more of sister darling's department. but i did start to like the zac brown band. and the civil wars.

26. What did you want and get?

a healthy, happy baby girl.

27. What did you want and not get?


peace of mind about certain things and people. but i think that's life...it's a day by day struggle to lay down our worries at His feet. and trust Him to be who He is; Lord.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
i had high hopes for hangover 2 but it was awful. i loved fast five. (paul walker? swoon.) and there were a few movies we rented and liked but i can't remember them now for the life of me.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
the usual...had a cookout on the ranch. i can't remember what we ate but i remember being very
pregnant and uncomfortable. 

i turned 30. geez, when did i get old?

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?



dude, that's a lot of pressure for one thing. probably a vacation to the beach. we need to make more time for family trips. specifically one to the beach. it will happen this year. DO YOU HEAR ME? it will. (fingers crossed.) 

i don't want to be old and gray and look back and regret that we never took the time to go on family vacations and spend time together. last night i was crying about something ridiculous and mr. darling was telling me how i can't worry about certain things. we are only given today and that's it. he's right. so, it's my dream this year that we (all of my family...husband, ruth, parents and sister) go on a trip together. it's so important that we make these memories now, you know?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?



ha. HA. HA. 

hot weather: t-shirts. shorts. rainbow flip flops and chacos. nursing bra.

cold weather: t-shirts. jeans. sweats. pink converse. nursing bra.

pathetic. yet comfortable.

32. What kept you sane?



the Lord. mr. darling. my family. long hot showers. 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i hate this question. don't get me started. celebrities are ridiculous.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?


ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i would just like to thank obama and his cronies for running what was left of this country into the freaking ground. and i swear, if that man wins the november election i will leave this country and never return. and also declare anyone who votes for him again absolutely mentally insane. 

35. Who did you miss?


a lot of people. 

i missed my grandmas. i wish they could have met ruth. it's hard to know they will never meet her. 

i missed my faraway friends. being a new mom can be very lonely.

36. Who was the best new person you met?


our neighbor, miss wylene. she has been such a sweet blessing from the Lord.

and i reconnected with an old friend. i'm so thankful for new and renewed friendships.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.


just breathe. my mom told me, during ruth's second week of life, when i was struggling to get through the long nights, to just breathe. to not fight the difficult moments, but just roll with them. and soon enough it would pass. 

as it turns out? that little life lesson doesn't just apply to sleepless newborn nights.

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2011. in review.

january.
we find out our child is a baby girl.

we close on our house and become homeowners for the first time. we start painting our new home and i begin to pack up our sweet apartment, the place we called home for nearly three years.

february.
we decide on a name for our daughter; ruth dahlia. it is lovely and perfect. we say it over and over for days and laugh because we are so excited we can hardly stand it. our girl has a name.

we move into our home. on the first night the ceiling collapses in the kitchen due to the back patio being installed incorrectly, leaving a gap open to the elements into the attic and snow blowing in during a blizzard the week before. both of us have meltdowns that night.

march.
spring arrives and finds me nesting like a mad woman.
i turn 30.

april.
my sister throws me the most lovely baby shower. i am hugely, puffy pregnant.

we celebrate easter. i fall on my face in gratitude.

may.
i am so big i almost explode. on the day ruth is born tornados rip through our state and miss destroying my parents' home by 1/4 of a mile. ruth is born while tornado sirens scream outside the hospital.

ruth arrives after 23 hours of unmedicated labor. our lives are forever changed.

i fall madly in love instantly.

june.
we learn to be parents. my mom stays with us for a week. i sob for a full hour after she leaves. we say goodbye to mimi. ruth, allie and i stay with my parents for a week while mr. darling is on a business trip in louisiana. mr. darling celebrates his very first father's day. we go to church for the first time as a family. i believe i may never sleep again.

july.
a wildfire rips across my parents' land and nearly destroys their home.  we are in the middle of the hottest summer on record. ever. we go on many late evening walks during ruth's cranky time of the day.

august.
mr. darling turns 32. it is unbelievably hot outside and it seems like the heat will never end. ruth rolls over for the first time.

september.
having a baby has finally become normal to me. i once heard the first three months of a baby's life you just aim to survive and get through it. that is very true. ruth moves past the newborn stage into the baby stage. she interacts more with us, giggles and captures our hearts over and over every single day.

october.
it finally rains. earthquake. halloween. teething. i consume lots of candy.

november.
thanksgiving. i cry at the table as my dad says our thanksgiving prayer. my tears drip onto the tablecloth as i am surrounded by the people i love most in this world.

december.
ruth's first christmas. i cry again during the prayer on christmas day. my cup is so full it spills over and forms another ocean.

i have tried, over and over tonight, to decide on one word that would describe this past year of my life. but there is not just one word. it was difficult, painful, exhausting, life-altering, full of grace, full of mercy, achingly beautiful. God is so faithful to us. He continually proved that over and over this year. day by day. moment by moment. and tonight, as 2011 comes to end, my hands will tremble as i kneel to the ground and lift them high to the sky. praising His name. and praying for the year to come.


be near us, O Lord. we desperately need You.

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mama bear. baby bear.

previously, when visiting my parents, i loved to go out and explore. one of my favorite things was to go along with the boys (mr. and daddy darling) and do whatever they were doing outdoors. or get on the 4-wheeler and take off, finding different creeks to wade through. but this weekend my mom pointed out to me that i don't do that anymore.

i had not even recognized the change in myself.

i guess that's another change that came along with having a baby. another change i never saw coming. it's not that i don't enjoy those things anymore. i miss being outside. i miss working on their land. the summer before i became pregnant i spent hours on their ranch, tearing down fence, taking care of cattle, cleaning up brush. i loved every minute of it. and i miss it.

but things change. and right now i don't feel like i have the freedom to leave ruth and go do those things. and it's not that i don't trust my parents or sister with ruth. it's not that at all. in fact, they are the only people on this earth that mr. darling and i trust our daughter with. but it's just...i'm her mama. and she's still so tiny and helpless. and my instincts, my guts, won't allow me to get too far from her.

a few days before christmas we spent a few hours with mr. darling's family. it was loud and chaotic, as usual. and ruth tends to get overwhelmed in situations like that, much like myself. so, i stayed near her whenever she was in someone else's arms. and she was relatively okay as long as she could see me. but there was always a moment, when someone was too close, in her face too much, and she would lock eyes with me. those big blue eyes would hold onto mine and i knew she needed me. so, i would reach over and take her away from whoever had her and off we would go to the back bedroom. her tiny fists clutching my shirt, her face buried in my hair. and in the quiet she would look at me and smile. i could feel the relief as her tiny shoulders would slowly relax.

and that's a big responsibility to shoulder...knowing that this person wholly relies on you to know her limits, read her thoughts, understand when she needs to be rescued, needs to be reassured everything is okay. and rescue her when it is not. it's huge.

so, i'm okay with putting much of my own life on hold for this first year. i'm okay with not having much time to myself right now. because she is more important than my own wants. but it's just one of those things i never realized would happen until i was in the midst of it. and i smiled as i talked to my mom about it. smiled as i realized i felt very much like a mama bear. protective and never far from my sweet cub.

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enough pictures to float a boat.

when i imagined what i wanted this christmas to be like...ruth's first christmas...well, pretty much every wish i had came true. and then some. it was perfect.

we went down to the ranch (my parents' home) on friday evening and stayed there until monday afternoon. it was beyond wonderful.

snooping through the presents.

christmas eve.

my mom's kitchen. i love this room

christmas morning. her first stocking gift.

opening a tea set from auntie.

gigi with a lap full of love.

paw-paw feeding the puppies.

thanks to my parents for hosting a house full of chaos for four days. as my parents both said more than once over the weekend...my cup runneth over.

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hallelujah.

" today in the town of david, a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord. this will be a sign to you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth, peace to those on whom His favor rests.""
-- luke 2:11-14


may you all find this christmas full of peace and joy.
filled to the brim and running over with the presence of our Lord.

from our family to yours,
merry christmas

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