a holy night.

i'm not sure how or when it happened, but somewhere along the way we've come to sanitize the life of Christ. beginning with His humble birth, His life, His gruesome death and then the resurrection. and with the sanitation of His life, we've also sanitized what we believe should be our life as followers of Him.

God is many things. holy. merciful. just. jealous. full of grace. loving. but He is not safe. nothing about the life of Christ was safe. neatly tied up with a pretty bow.

everywhere you look this time of year there are nativity scenes. photos and displays portraying the birth of Christ. a smiling baby laying in a manger. a prim and proper mary, kneeling next to that manger, her hands grasped together in prayer. and now it makes me laugh? because i'm almost certain that wasn't at all how that night played out.

there is nothing prim and proper about birth. nothing dignified. it's raw and painful. it is holy.

there was a moment in my labor, about an hour before i delivered ruth...i was struggling to not drown in the pain. the contractions coming on top of each other. the nurse had me labor on the toilet. so there i sat, on the potty, in nothing but a sports bra, as i gripped the rails on the wall, my knuckles white. i looked at mr. darling and told him fervently that i could not do this. there was no way. and even as i gasped out those words i was doing it. God was doing it for me.

a little while later, 23 hours after it all began, it was time to deliver her. for 28 minutes i pushed to bring ruth into this world. for 28 minutes i yelled with every contraction as i bore down. and with each push i roared only one word, His name. over and over. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. be with us. be near. walk with me through this fire. help me through these roaring rivers. show me mercy. give me strength. Jesus. Jesus. be near. sustain me, O' Giver of Life. keep her safe. give her life. give her breath. Jesus.

and suddenly in a split second i felt her burst forth. in that holy moment i saw God's face. i felt His presence, His sweet holy presence. and then she was there, placed immediately on my chest. a warm, wet, wriggling body of life. and He was there as we looked upon our daughter. He was there in the midst of the blood and pain. in the midst of my pain. no, there was nothing dignified or prim about her birth. but it was holy. He was there in that room. just as He was there in that filthy, dusty stable long ago.

i keep thinking about that afternoon ruth was born. and the night Jesus was born. how terrified mary and joseph must have been. how her robes were probably bloody and dirty from the stable floor. her hair a sweaty mess. her hands trembling from adrenaline and exhaustion and she cuddled her baby close to her chest to keep him warm. how holy that night must have been. i imagine the presence of God was so thick around them they could taste it. breathe it in. find comfort in it. how many tears mary must have shed as she looked down at the face of her son. the face of God. her son and her Savior, all in one.

it's so complicated and so simple all at once. Jesus. sweet, precious, holy Jesus.