The Darlings

Hello.

2012-01-23T20:11:00.001-08:00

I'm here. Our computer crashed (again)...so, you know how it goes.I'm going to return some new jeans tomorrow because they have too low of a rise.And my low rise jeans days are a thing of the past.A moment of silence for my youth, please.Before the baby came along I used to give Allie a bath biweekly. Now?It's a once a month sort of thing. Today I had to give her a bath because, DUDE, she stunk.Ruth is beyond delightful. She's taken to snorting like a pig when she's excited.It's freaking hilarious.I snort when I laugh.Mr Darling swears I taught her to snort.I did not.

showing us who's boss.

2012-01-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

remember last night when i thought it was a good idea to stay up late and blog instead of sleep?

ha. HA. HA.

from the times of midnight to 8 a.m., miss ruth decided it would be a good idea to get up nine times. NINE. for those of you who are like myself and mathematically challenged, that is more than once an hour. it was a long night.

i'm sure someday i'll sleep again.
but until then it will take industrial strength spackle to cover up these dark circles.

because obviously the smart decision would be to blog instead of sleep right now.

2012-01-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
bought a house.

grew a human inside my body.

gave birth to that human, without pain medication, after 23 hours of labor.

realized you cannot die from extreme sleep deprivation. even though you sort of want to.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

pretty sure my one resolution was to just survive this year.

mission accomplished.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

pretty much every single girl i was friends with whilst living in west africa gave birth this year.

it was super weird.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  
my mimi.

mr. darling's great-grandma and his grandpa.

5. What countries did you visit?  

just this one.

i really should get out more.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

more sleep.

less drama in the MIL department.

more peace.

less anxiety about irrational fears.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

september 19.

may 24.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  

giving birth.

becoming a mom.

all of us making it through the year happy, healthy and with most of our sanity intact.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not showing mr. darling enough patience in my sleep deprived state.

not fighting hard enough for the peace of our family.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
two bouts of mastitis. which kind of felt like someone beat my boob with a baseball bat.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
our home.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
mr. darling. he is such a wonderful dad. and a great husband. he has put up with a lot from me as i have struggled to function with little sleep and lots of stress.

my family. to say they are a blessing to us, my parents and sister, is an offensive understatement. we love them more than words can express.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  
ha. HA. ha. oh, geez. i try not to air dirty laundry on here, so i'll just say...a certain woman in our life. she made this year very difficult.

14. Where did most of your money go?
home down payment. mortgage. bills. you know, the usual.

15. What did you get really excited about?
miss ruth.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
jesus loves me.

What scent will always remind you of 2011?
calvin klein's eternity.

aveeno baby and burt's baby bee.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
(a) happier or sadder?
(b) thinner or fatter?
(c) richer or poorer?

(a) happier in most ways.

(b) thinner. thank you, breastfeeding.

(c) poorer. but much wiser in how we spend/save our money.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  
just sit in the presence of my Lord.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?  

worry. freak out about things i have no control of. allow certain people to rob our home and lives of peace and harmony.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
on the ranch.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
yes. with my husband and daughter. over and over again.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
i love big bang theory. (love that they now show reruns on tbs!)

new girl is absolutely hysterical. and modern family. so great.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

no. but there are people that i certainly dislike a lot more this year, as compared to last. mainly because they keep revealing more and more of their true character. and it's not pretty. not at all.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? 
i'm not very good at discovering or liking new music. that's more of sister darling's department. but i did start to like the zac brown band. and the civil wars.

26. What did you want and get?

a healthy, happy baby girl.

27. What did you want and not get? 

peace of mind about certain things and people. but i think that's life...it's a day by day struggle to lay down our worries at His feet. and trust Him to be who He is; Lord.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
i had high hopes for hangover 2 but it was awful. i loved fast five. (paul walker? swoon.) and there were a few movies we rented and liked but i can't remember them now for the life of me.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
the usual...had a cookout on the ranch. i can't remember what we ate but i remember being very
pregnant and uncomfortable.

i turned 30. geez, when did i get old?

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  

dude, that's a lot of pressure for one thing. probably a vacation to the beach. we need to make more time for family trips. specifically one to the beach. it will happen this year. DO YOU HEAR ME? it will. (fingers crossed.)

i don't want to be old and gray and look back and regret that we never took the time to go on family vacations and spend time together. last night i was crying about something ridiculous and mr. darling was telling me how i can't worry about certain things. we are only given today and that's it. he's right. so, it's my dream this year that we (all of my family...husband, ruth, parents and sister) go on a trip together. it's so important that we make these memories now, you know?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?  

ha. HA. HA.

hot weather: t-shirts. shorts. rainbow flip flops and chacos. nursing bra.

cold weather: t-shirts. jeans. sweats. pink converse. nursing bra.

pathetic. yet comfortable.

32. What kept you sane?  

the Lord. mr. darling. my family. long hot showers.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i hate this question. don't get me started. celebrities are ridiculous.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i would just like to thank obama and his cronies for running what was left of this country into the freaking ground. and i swear, if that man wins the november election i will leave this country and never return. and also declare anyone who votes for him again absolutely mentally insane.

35. Who did you miss?  
a lot of people.

i missed my grandmas. i wish they could have met ruth. it's hard to know they will never meet her.

i missed my faraway friends. being a new mom can be very lonely.

36. Who was the best new person you met?  
our neighbor, miss wylene. she has been such a sweet blessing from the Lord.

and i reconnected with an old friend. i'm so thankful for new and renewed friendships.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.  
just breathe. my mom told me, during ruth's second week of life, when i was struggling to get through the long nights, to just breathe. to not fight the difficult moments, but just roll with them. and soon enough it would pass.

as it turns out? that little life lesson doesn't just apply to sleepless newborn nights.

2011. in review.

2011-12-31T05:30:00.000-08:00

january.
we find out our child is a baby girl.

we close on our house and become homeowners for the first time. we start painting our new home and i begin to pack up our sweet apartment, the place we called home for nearly three years.

february.
we decide on a name for our daughter; ruth dahlia. it is lovely and perfect. we say it over and over for days and laugh because we are so excited we can hardly stand it. our girl has a name.

we move into our home. on the first night the ceiling collapses in the kitchen due to the back patio being installed incorrectly, leaving a gap open to the elements into the attic and snow blowing in during a blizzard the week before. both of us have meltdowns that night.

march.
spring arrives and finds me nesting like a mad woman.
i turn 30.

april.
my sister throws me the most lovely baby shower. i am hugely, puffy pregnant.

we celebrate easter. i fall on my face in gratitude.

may.
i am so big i almost explode. on the day ruth is born tornados rip through our state and miss destroying my parents' home by 1/4 of a mile. ruth is born while tornado sirens scream outside the hospital.

ruth arrives after 23 hours of unmedicated labor. our lives are forever changed.

i fall madly in love instantly.

june.
we learn to be parents. my mom stays with us for a week. i sob for a full hour after she leaves. we say goodbye to mimi. ruth, allie and i stay with my parents for a week while mr. darling is on a business trip in louisiana. mr. darling celebrates his very first father's day. we go to church for the first time as a family. i believe i may never sleep again.

july.
a wildfire rips across my parents' land and nearly destroys their home. we are in the middle of the hottest summer on record. ever. we go on many late evening walks during ruth's cranky time of the day.

august.
mr. darling turns 32. it is unbelievably hot outside and it seems like the heat will never end. ruth rolls over for the first time.

september.
having a baby has finally become normal to me. i once heard the first three months of a baby's life you just aim to survive and get through it. that is very true. ruth moves past the newborn stage into the baby stage. she interacts more with us, giggles and captures our hearts over and over every single day.

october.
it finally rains. earthquake. halloween. teething. i consume lots of candy.

november.
thanksgiving. i cry at the table as my dad says our thanksgiving prayer. my tears drip onto the tablecloth as i am surrounded by the people i love most in this world.

december.
ruth's first christmas. i cry again during the prayer on christmas day. my cup is so full it spills over and forms another ocean.

i have tried, over and over tonight, to decide on one word that would describe this past year of my life. but there is not just one word. it was difficult, painful, exhausting, life-altering, full of grace, full of mercy, achingly beautiful. God is so faithful to us. He continually proved that over and over this year. day by day. moment by moment. and tonight, as 2011 comes to end, my hands will tremble as i kneel to the ground and lift them high to the sky. praising His name. and praying for the year to come.

be near us, O Lord. we desperately need You.

mama bear. baby bear.

2011-12-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

previously, when visiting my parents, i loved to go out and explore. one of my favorite things was to go along with the boys (mr. and daddy darling) and do whatever they were doing outdoors. or get on the 4-wheeler and take off, finding different creeks to wade through. but this weekend my mom pointed out to me that i don't do that anymore.

i had not even recognized the change in myself.

i guess that's another change that came along with having a baby. another change i never saw coming. it's not that i don't enjoy those things anymore. i miss being outside. i miss working on their land. the summer before i became pregnant i spent hours on their ranch, tearing down fence, taking care of cattle, cleaning up brush. i loved every minute of it. and i miss it.

but things change. and right now i don't feel like i have the freedom to leave ruth and go do those things. and it's not that i don't trust my parents or sister with ruth. it's not that at all. in fact, they are the only people on this earth that mr. darling and i trust our daughter with. but it's just...i'm her mama. and she's still so tiny and helpless. and my instincts, my guts, won't allow me to get too far from her.

a few days before christmas we spent a few hours with mr. darling's family. it was loud and chaotic, as usual. and ruth tends to get overwhelmed in situations like that, much like myself. so, i stayed near her whenever she was in someone else's arms. and she was relatively okay as long as she could see me. but there was always a moment, when someone was too close, in her face too much, and she would lock eyes with me. those big blue eyes would hold onto mine and i knew she needed me. so, i would reach over and take her away from whoever had her and off we would go to the back bedroom. her tiny fists clutching my shirt, her face buried in my hair. and in the quiet she would look at me and smile. i could feel the relief as her tiny shoulders would slowly relax.

and that's a big responsibility to shoulder...knowing that this person wholly relies on you to know her limits, read her thoughts, understand when she needs to be rescued, needs to be reassured everything is okay. and rescue her when it is not. it's huge.

so, i'm okay with putting much of my own life on hold for this first year. i'm okay with not having much time to myself right now. because she is more important than my own wants. but it's just one of those things i never realized would happen until i was in the midst of it. and i smiled as i talked to my mom about it. smiled as i realized i felt very much like a mama bear. protective and never far from my sweet cub.

enough pictures to float a boat.

2011-12-28T08:37:00.000-08:00

when i imagined what i wanted this christmas to be like...ruth's first christmas...well, pretty much every wish i had came true. and then some. it was perfect.

we went down to the ranch (my parents' home) on friday evening and stayed there until monday afternoon. it was beyond wonderful.

snooping through the presents.

christmas eve.

my mom's kitchen. i love this room

christmas morning. her first stocking gift.

opening a tea set from auntie.

gigi with a lap full of love.

paw-paw feeding the puppies.

thanks to my parents for hosting a house full of chaos for four days. as my parents both said more than once over the weekend...my cup runneth over.

hallelujah.

2011-12-24T06:00:00.001-08:00

" today in the town of david, a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord. this will be a sign to you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth, peace to those on whom His favor rests.""
-- luke 2:11-14

may you all find this christmas full of peace and joy.
filled to the brim and running over with the presence of our Lord.

from our family to yours,
merry christmas

a holy night.

2011-12-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure how or when it happened, but somewhere along the way we've come to sanitize the life of Christ. beginning with His humble birth, His life, His gruesome death and then the resurrection. and with the sanitation of His life, we've also sanitized what we believe should be our life as followers of Him.

God is many things. holy. merciful. just. jealous. full of grace. loving. but He is not safe. nothing about the life of Christ was safe. neatly tied up with a pretty bow.

everywhere you look this time of year there are nativity scenes. photos and displays portraying the birth of Christ. a smiling baby laying in a manger. a prim and proper mary, kneeling next to that manger, her hands grasped together in prayer. and now it makes me laugh? because i'm almost certain that wasn't at all how that night played out.

there is nothing prim and proper about birth. nothing dignified. it's raw and painful. it is holy.

there was a moment in my labor, about an hour before i delivered ruth...i was struggling to not drown in the pain. the contractions coming on top of each other. the nurse had me labor on the toilet. so there i sat, on the potty, in nothing but a sports bra, as i gripped the rails on the wall, my knuckles white. i looked at mr. darling and told him fervently that i could not do this. there was no way. and even as i gasped out those words i was doing it. God was doing it for me.

a little while later, 23 hours after it all began, it was time to deliver her. for 28 minutes i pushed to bring ruth into this world. for 28 minutes i yelled with every contraction as i bore down. and with each push i roared only one word, His name. over and over. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. be with us. be near. walk with me through this fire. help me through these roaring rivers. show me mercy. give me strength. Jesus. Jesus. be near. sustain me, O' Giver of Life. keep her safe. give her life. give her breath. Jesus.

and suddenly in a split second i felt her burst forth. in that holy moment i saw God's face. i felt His presence, His sweet holy presence. and then she was there, placed immediately on my chest. a warm, wet, wriggling body of life. and He was there as we looked upon our daughter. He was there in the midst of the blood and pain. in the midst of my pain. no, there was nothing dignified or prim about her birth. but it was holy. He was there in that room. just as He was there in that filthy, dusty stable long ago.

i keep thinking about that afternoon ruth was born. and the night Jesus was born. how terrified mary and joseph must have been. how her robes were probably bloody and dirty from the stable floor. her hair a sweaty mess. her hands trembling from adrenaline and exhaustion and she cuddled her baby close to her chest to keep him warm. how holy that night must have been. i imagine the presence of God was so thick around them they could taste it. breathe it in. find comfort in it. how many tears mary must have shed as she looked down at the face of her son. the face of God. her son and her Savior, all in one.

it's so complicated and so simple all at once. Jesus. sweet, precious, holy Jesus.

seven months.

2011-12-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

dear ruth,

on christmas eve you will turn seven months old. seven months. oh, honey. slow down a little, okay? you're growing so very fast.

a couple of nights ago you and your daddy hung out for awhile while i did some last minute christmas shopping. i felt a little lost without you. you and i have our little dance down pat. whenever we are out i wear you in your sleepy wrap, tucked tight against my chest. for awhile i would face you outwards but i've learned you prefer to face me. you can still see everything but when you get tired or overwhelmed you can bury your face into my chest. and every now and then you look up at me and smile, reach your chubby little hand up and pat my neck. it melts my heart every single time.

you light up when your dad comes home from work in the evenings. and if anyone were to look at your finger they would find him there, wrapped tightly around it.

you like your baby food quite a bit. you usually eat about five spoonfuls before you get full. i've learned when you gag you are full and if i coax one more bite in you will barf everywhere. you seem to like peas and pears the best. today we are trying pumpkin for the first time.

i read about a bazillion articles and books on how to introduce baby food, combine solids and breastfeeding, etc. everyone has an opinion on what you should eat, how much, when, etc. but here is what i have learned...i am your mama. i know you better than anyone else in this world. so, i'm just going with my gut on this. following my instincts and taking our time with this. and you are happy as a clam about it.

you started "talking" this week. you chatter constantly now. you put yourself to sleep talking, wake up talking and constantly are telling us stories. you come by it honestly though...having two parents that love to talk so much. especially your daddy.

you are doing great in the nursery at church. so far you've made it through three services without me having to go in there and soothe you.

you're learning to scoot, getting more and more sturdy at sitting on your own. you love rolling around on your quilt on the floor and playing. you have a million toys but anytime you see a dog toy you zoom after it like a torpedo. you adore allie and i believe the feeling is mutual. i often catch you both staring at each other. and wherever you are, allie is never far away. often at night, while i nurse you, she leans over and licks your head.

you still wake 2-3 times a night (on good nights). but i don't mind. soon enough this will all be a memory...and until then i cherish those quiet moments deep in the night, just the two of us.

we adore you, sweet girl. christmas seems a little bit more magical this year because we are experiencing it with you. it seems a little more holy, a little more awe-filled. because now i know Christ also came to earth to live and die for you, too, my sweet ruth.

may you soon know and accept His love and salvation. and may your daddy and i be faithful to teach you and live our lives in a way that reflect His love and glory to you.

merry christmas, ruth.

i love you,
mama

'tis the season.

2011-12-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

i thought i would share our christmas decorations with you all. basically because i love when people do this...it's like getting to be nosy and look around someone's home! and i do love being nosy.

this is our first christmas in our home. there aren't many decorations because we previously lived in a small apartment. but it works. we think it's quite lovely.

our tree.

the star.

ruth's first ornament.

our initials.

sock monkey.

the mantle.
ruth's stocking (that needs her name on it).

snowman lamp.

ruth's nativity.

more snowmen.

how is it possible christmas is only 4 days away?!

friday.

2011-12-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

thank goodness it's FRIDAY.

lift my eyes. and my hands.

2011-12-11T15:27:00.001-08:00

i keep trying to write up a funny post about how mr. darling's new thing is to come home at night, change into sweats and tuck his t-shirt INTO said pants. just like my dad.

but i'm not in a funny mood. today has been a struggle.and ruth is in a mega-teething phase and isn't sleeping much more than 1.5 hrs at a time at night. and i know that sleep deprivation makes everything seems worse than it is...but i'm having trouble shaking this cloudy mood.

so, here is my list of things i am thankful for...

my sweet family: a husband who adores me. my sweet ruth, who i could not love more if i tried. my parents...two people who are good and kind and love us so much. who show us, by example, what it is to be the hands and feet of Christ. my sister, my best friend. allie, our sweet allie girl.

mr. darling's job. we are so deeply thankful for it. so very grateful.

our home. a house that feels like home to us. our place of refuge from the rest of the world.

our vehicles.

the food in our kitchen.

my Savior. by no means is He last on my list...but He is the reason this list exists. every good and lovely thing in my life is directly from His hand. He is my reason to hope. He is my salvation. my reason for living.

adventures in baby food making.

2011-12-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

so, baby food. ruth has been on baby food purees for one week now. so i thought i would give a baby bullet review.

i decided to go the homemade baby food route for a few reasons. basically, for us, it's what is best. i feel pretty strongly about the nutrition and preparation of jarred baby food and feel most comfortable with making our own. plus, the expense is unreal. it's amazing how much cheaper it is to make this stuff.

my kitchen. before the MESS.

here's the breakdown...i purchased organic carrots, sweet potato, pear, peas, green beans, banana and an avocado for less than $9. each of these items yields about 6-8 servings. she currently only eats about one teaspoon, once a day right now. gradually that will expand over the next few weeks.

so, basically for less than $10 we have a month's worth of baby food. i think it would last longer than a month but homemade baby food only lasts 30 days in the freezer and 3 days in the refrigerator.

the baby bullet set comes with six containers and a sort of ice tray set that you can freeze some up in. my mom bought us several packages of smaller rubbermaid containers and we have more than enough now. i definitely recommend buying extra containers so you can make big batches at one time.

i'm surprised by how quick and easy it is to do all of this. i was a little intimidated but clearly it was unfounded. i whipped up a huge batch yesterday in less than two hours. it's so freaking easy.

first time eating baby food.

our pediatrician assured me that it's not necessary to wait four days in between introducing new foods. he said that if there is an allergic reaction it will most likely happen within 24 hours, if not immediately. so, we've been introducing new foods every other day this past week. she currently has tried banana, peas, avocado and pears...all met with rave reviews.

another thing i love is that the baby bullet comes with a cookbook. it covers what foods are best to start with and when to introduce the others. what foods are off limits the first year and how to cook and prepare everything.

after doing some research and talking with kate and our pediatrician i felt most comfortable with feeding her baby food in between nursing sessions, not halfway through like i have heard recommended. this way i'm sure she's still getting full nursing sessions. both the World Health Organization and American Academy of Pediatrics recommend that a baby's main source of nutrition during the first year be breastmilk.

so, that's been our experience so far. i'm glad we went this route. i feel really good knowing that i am giving her organic, safe, whole foods with nothing else in them. and, to be quite honest, preparing all of it has been a welcome distraction. it's been hard for me...ruth starting baby food and not being exclusively breastfed anymore. i know, insane...but it's tough and i've shed more than a few tears about it. but at the end of the day she is healthy, growing strong and happy as a clam. i couldn't ask for anything more.

and a big thanks to my mom and dad for blessing us with the baby bullet. we love you so much.

sidenote: walmart has the baby bullet for the cheapest price i've found, so far.

my darling.

2011-12-06T13:16:00.001-08:00

to my best friend. my sister. the person who can read my mind.
happy birthday.

may this be the sweetest, most beautiful year of your life thus far.

a dash of salt. a sprinkle of pepper. a little of this, some of that.

2011-12-05T13:10:00.001-08:00

- kate is blogging again. yay! i've got to say, it's been wonderful to have kate to talk with throughout this whole new mom thing. little miss mary wallace is two months ahead of ruth...so i usually get lots of good tips on what how to deal with stuff.

God is so lovely...eight years ago kate and i met in dusty africa and became immediate, lifelong friends. and here we are, still friends, now raising our girls up to love the Lord. He is so good.

- today is miss allie's third birthday. a little allie trivia for you: deer jerky gasses her up like the hindenburg. so gross.

- it's freaking 31 degrees today. i miss you, summer.

- friday night we went to whole foods to grab some organic produce for ruth's baby food. it was our first time to visit that store...it was so interesting. we really liked it! we grabbed some dinner off the hot bar and took it home to eat. it was a lovely way to spend a cold, rainy night. ruth loved it, too. she's been doing such a great job just hanging out in her sleepy wrap while we run around town and make a million stops. she's such a happy girl.

hanging with mom at whole foods.

- the other day, while chugging water out of my camelbak, i noticed inside the straw valve...well, it looked weird. upon closer inspection i realized it was MOLDY. sick. sick. sick. it never occurred to me to take apart the bite valve and clean it. i didn't even know it could be taken apart until mr. darling did it for me. so, it's been cleaned, bleached and we are now back in business. but there's no telling how long i had been drinking water through a moldy straw. sick me out.

- this past week ruth went through her six month sleep regression stage. normally she would only be up once or twice a night to eat. but this past week? we were up every 1.5 - 2 hours ALL NIGHT LONG. perhaps, fingers crossed, last night was the end of that. she never woke up, i finally woke her up at 3am to eat before my chest exploded. of course, now that i have blogged about this she will probably be awake for the next three days straight.

- i swear, once you think you have the baby figured out...WHAM, she goes and changes it on you. just to remind you who makes the rules in this place.

not so picture perfect.

2011-11-30T19:47:00.001-08:00

i think a lot of bloggers struggle with how transparent to be. i have a theory that the more insecure a girl is the more fake her life, via her blog, comes across. because, naturally, we want people to think our life is perfect. that we have our crap together. that every evening meal is eaten by candlelight at the table and it's a four course affair.

um, please, never think my life is like that.

our evening meals are eaten on TV trays because the kitchen table is buried under mail, carpet cleaner (because the dog sometimes craps on the carpet), a box of kleenex and an unfinished craft project.

monday through friday i cook supper. but not because i just LOVE cooking. sure, i enjoy it but it's not my favorite thing to do. i cook because we are on a budget and eating take-out is not a part of that budget.

today i am wearing my favorite green t-shirt. yesterday? i wore the same green shirt. and you know what? i didn't wash it last night. and i probably won't wash it before i wear it again.

i'm not the best at folding laundry right out of the dryer. if you go into our room you will find our dresser covered in clean clothes waiting to be put away. and a laundry basket sitting by the door full of more clean clothes. but at least they're clean. right? right.

this afternoon ruth and i ran to the grocery store to grab some bananas and an avocado. afterwards we went to target and walked around. i didn't need anything there, i just wanted to get out and look around. to be in public. because sometimes being a stay at home mom can be very isolating. hear me clearly, staying at home with ruth is the greatest thing in the world to me. but sometimes it can be very lonely. and because of that i am thankful for my sweet neighbor i can visit and places like target we can wander around in.

i dusted a couple of weeks ago when i put up the christmas decorations. that was the first time i had dusted since may. because we don't have a cleaning lady and taking care of a newborn keeps a girl busy.

i'm currently in a bidding war for a couple of adorable smocked dresses for ruth on ebay. because i freaking refuse to pay $50 for a dress for her that she will wear just a handful of times. and at the same time i know i will always buy her new clothes before i ever get something for myself. growing up my sister and i always teased my mom because she wore the same stuff over and over for years. now i understand, her children came first. i will gladly wear the same cardigan and pants for the next ten years.

i got poop on my hand during a diaper change today. i wiped it off but forgot to wash my hand afterwards.

i was angry with mr. darling two nights ago. for absolutely no reason at all other than i was exhausted and he was irritating the life out of me.

last night i said shit at 3am. ruth was up every 2 hours because she didn't feel well due to her immunizations. i had just laid her back down and knew i had about 1.5 hours before she would be up again. and it was at the moment the baby monitor decided to start freaking out and acting possessed. this went on for 30 minutes. shit was the nicest thing i muttered during that battle with technology.

so, there you have it...just a glimpse into my life. because last night, after glancing at a few blogs and being absolutely floored by the blatant bragging, materialism and over the top cheeriness that could never be true, i realized i never wanted to come off that way myself.

my life isn't perfect. i don't think anyone's is. but it's mine. it's messy and beautiful. i am flawed. i pick fights when i'm tired and sometimes when i'm not. i am a sinner, a filthy, disgusting sinner, saved by His grace. and it's because of His grace, His blessings, that i have this life. this sweet life.

manic sunday.

2011-11-27T13:43:00.001-08:00

today we went to church. what is it about trying to get a baby out the door on time that is so exhausting? oh, right...it's not the baby, IT'S THE HUSBAND. yeah, i'm looking at you, mr. darling. good grief.

(new haircut.)

we left ruth in the nursery for the first time. previously she sat in big church with us and when she would get fussy i would go to the nursery with her and stay in there. my reasons for this were threefold:
1) she is the youngest baby in the church by 6-8 months. that's a big gap considering the other babies are WALKING and she could not even sit on her own until this week.
2) sometimes there are a LOT of babies in the nursery and not enough workers. so there would be no free hands to hold her.
3) i did not want to leave her yet. (there. i said it.)

but today i did. there was only one other baby in there. so i filled out the info, handed her over, took a pager and nearly cried when we walked away. geez. dramatic, much?

so, i'm in the sanctuary and mr. darling leaves to go get coffee. he comes back laughing and says he can hear her crying from the lobby. i'm telling you, i got in there so fast you would have thought my butt was on fire.

her reasons for crying were threefold:
1) more kids came and it was LOUD and chaotic. two things she does not enjoy. (neither do i.) (also, one "baby" was 3 freaking years old. GO TO THE BIG KID NURSERY, TESSA.)
2) it was nap time and she was tired.
3) she didn't know anyone in there.

so, i sat rocking her and she fell asleep while the nursery ladies assured me this is normal and it's just as hard for the mom as the baby. or, in the words of my dad, "well of course she cried...that ninny wouldn't stretch all the way back to the nursery."

i look at the picture above and think three things...
1) we've lived here almost a year...i really should get around to hanging stuff on the walls.
2) i love that she loves to snuggle.
3) there is a lot of crap on our couch. let's take a closer look, shall we?

first, there is the gigantic white boppy.
beneath that is two throw pillows (a cream silk pillow and an aqua/hot pink floral pillow).
then you have a dish towel with the remote and my phone on it. under my arm is another small throw pillow that is covered by a pink throw blanket and ruth's white blankie. on the other side of my body (out of frame) are two other throw pillows.

in conclusion: i think i have a throw pillow addiction. and i really like the back of my hair. although in the top photo it looks a little poofy and mom-ish. note to self: remedy this tomorrow. STAT.

my cup. it's running over.

2011-11-26T17:00:00.001-08:00

a thanksgiving rundown...

- i have so much i am thankful for.

- ruth received this early christmas gift from my parents. i'll do a review once i bust it out and use it. but i'm pretty dang excited!

- we spent the past seven out of ten days at my parents' house. or what we now refer to as "our country home". we had such a wonderful time with them. there was lots of eating (too much, if i'm honest), chatting, hunting, napping, playing...and just spending time together. it was a deep, beautiful blessing.

- on thanksgiving evening ruth mastered sitting up on her own. yay!

- i cut my hair. about six inches are gone. i'm totally a short-haired girl. pictures to come.

- i need someone to stage a fudge intervention in my life. this is my cry for help.

- i cried when we left my parents' today. not because i was sad to leave (we'll see them next weekend). but because i am so overwhelmed with gratitude to my Lord. thank you, O Lord, for this life you have given me. it's so sweet.

thankful.

2011-11-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

You will make known to me the path of life,
in Your presence is fullness of joy;
in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.
- psalm 16:11

happy thanksgiving, from our family to yours.

six months.

2011-11-22T15:55:00.000-08:00

ruth,

on thanksgiving you will turn six months old. and the simple act of writing that simple sentence has caused tears to pool in my eyes. oh, sweet girl, you have made our world so full. so lovely. so achingly beautiful. i look at you and i see the goodness of the Lord.

you won't visit your pediatrician until next week, but according to my super scientific way of weighing you (weighing myself + weighing myself holding you = subtract the two and voila!) you weigh 19 pounds as of last week. you are so healthy! i couldn't be more proud of you if i tried.

diapers: size 3 (day), size 4 (at night)
clothes: some 9 months, some 12 months

you roll like a well oiled machine. and you are fast! i have to keep an eye on you constantly. you recently mastered rolling both directions this week (previously you would only roll to your left). you can sit on your own for a few seconds before toppling over. and this week i noticed, when on your belly, you are starting to rock back and put weight on your knees. i imagine you'll be crawling up a storm very soon.

your favorites this month are...watching allie and stoney play. you love to keep an eye on allie and grab at her soft fur. you still love LOVE bathtime. you light up when your dad and i come into the room. you enjoy getting out and going places, riding in your carseat and watching the world zoom by. and you are loving your walker, playing with your toys in it and throwing them across the room. you love story time as we lay in the floor and read books.

your doctor will probably okay you starting solid food this month. i have a special machine ready to puree up all sorts of yummy foods for you to try. i think you'll be ready when that time comes around, you study your dad and i as we eat our meals. and when you sit at my lap at supper time you are constantly reaching for my food.

you started laughing, a good belly laugh, this month. and both your dad and i act like fools just to make you laugh. it's the most beautiful sound in the world.

i'm so excited for your first thanksgiving and christmas, ruth. it's a little ridiculous, how excited your dad and i are! i can't wait for you to experience the magic of it all.

you, sweet girl, are such a gift. you are the best thing in all the world. every night, after you go to bed, your dad and i lay in bed and still talk about how we can't believe you are ours. you are such a delight. really, there are no words to adequately express our love for you. we adore you.

happy half birthday, sweet girl.
i love you.

love,
mama

so i don't forget.

2011-11-21T15:44:00.001-08:00

ruth,

last week your dad was cooking supper and you and i were playing in the floor on a quilt with your toys. i stepped into the kitchen for a moment and when i returned i found you...oh my. you had rolled to the edge of the quilt and found one of allie's rawhide chews. i said your name and when you looked up at me it was hanging from your mouth. you grinned at me with that dog toy hanging from your mouth.

and honey? it's been a long time since i have laughed that hard. it was, at the same time, gross and hilarious.

i love you, sweet girl. please don't chew on the dog toys.

love,
mama

a little bit more nutty. one electronic at a time.

2011-11-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

okay. seriously, baby crap can drive a person INSANE.

we have this.

IT IS THE DEVIL.
it's sony's babycall baby monitor. and it's the DEVIL. for real.
when we registered for this item, i put no thought into it. just scanned it and went. i did no research or anything. um, smooth move, sherlock. the freaking thing is possessed. depending on cloud cover, electronics nearby, distance from the nursery base or, you know, if the moon is out this thing wigs the crap out. it screeches and buzzes and screams bloody murder because it loses it's frequency.

i'm not kidding. it's insane.

previously it only freaked out if we took it out of the master bedroom. annoying but not awful since the nursery is right across the hallway from the living room. so, it's not necessary to have it in there. then last week this thing lost it's crap. it screeched and squealed ALL. NIGHT. LONG. i thought i would throw it through the wall. neither mr. darling or i slept much that night. and there is no quiet button, the screeching is independent from the volume of the monitor. it's so freaking annoying.

but then it was okay and we thought it was a fluke.

until monday night. geez. it started up again. constantly. no matter what i did, changing the channels, moving it, moving the nursery base, NOTHING HELPED. and we have to have it because i can't hear ruth in our room when she's asleep in her nursery. so what do i do? i go and sleep on the floor of the nursery so mr. darling can get some rest.

um, you know what? i'm 30. that is TOO OLD to sleep on the floor. i got about 20 minutes rest before she woke up to eat around 1:30. then i went back to our room and tested it...nothing. it was fine. so i was able to sleep in a bed again.

and this morning? i got on amazon IMMEDIATELY. turns out the reviews for our monitor are all the same...everyone says it's awful and the spawn of satan. yeah. no crap.

so, i ordered this.

rush overnight shipping. (thank you amazon.com/mom!) this baby will be here TODAY.
it had great reviews. and it better perform well.
because otherwise i will throw it in the freaking river.

it was raining the day we left.

2011-11-15T13:17:00.001-08:00

time is strange. there are moments from that week that i remember so vividly, it's as though it occurred yesterday. i remember the terror of that first night: the deafening noise of the percussion grenades, the sharp pop of gunfire, the screams of the mobs. running in the night, my hands covering my head as helicopters shot grenades overhead, streaks of orange against the west african sky. i remember the darkness, so deep i wasn't sure the sun would ever rise. i remember thinking that maybe my hands would never not shake. the kindness of my neighbors to insist i sleep in their guest room that night. laying awake as the sun rose, tears soaking my pillow.

time runs together like raindrops on a windshield as i try to recall the following seven days. memories stand out in my mind. a screen door slamming and i jump so violently i slam my knee onto the tile floor and leave a bruise. eating dinner and playing mexican dominoes with friends. never once leaving the walls of our secured compound. watching UN helicopters fly among the palm treetops as they evacuated out expats. sending emails to my family, lying to them that i was okay.

it all runs together. i couldn't tell you what days these events occurred on. my memory of time is fluid. i remember saturday afternoon we thought we were going to be evacuated out. but the plane could not land due to bombs on the runway at the airport. so we were there another night. the next morning we made it out.

writing these memories is strange. there was a time when writing this would have thrown me into a crying jag so desperate i would find it hard to breathe. but time is strange. you gain distance and it heals. six months of intensive therapy healed. love and support healed. but mostly? God healed. heals. continually.

seven years ago last week we evacuated out of abidjan on a cargo plane.

seven years ago the sky fell in my world.

seven years ago i entered the country of togo under refugee status.

seven years ago God proved Himself to be faithful. to be my Refuge. my Strong Tower. my Protector. He proved Himself to be more than Enough.

and He still is. every single day.

all around the mulberry bush.

2011-11-14T13:58:00.001-08:00

- i love evenings. mr. darling comes home, supper is cooking, the house is glowing from lamps and the christmas tree, candles are flickering...it just feels so lovely. and i'm reminded it's the simple things that make life so beautiful.

- i weighed for the first time in weeks yesterday. i am finally back to my pre-pregnancy weight. i'm not sure what the final number was but with water retention and everything, i think my total pregnancy weight gain was around 45 pounds. dude, that's ridiculous.

- i told myself, "self, you get 6 months..." 6 months to adjust to not being pregnant, adjust to the new baby and allow things to get back to normal. i had read a lot of stuff about women exercising and dieting and nothing really working but around 6 months something just clicked and the weight came off on it's own. so, that was my plan. sure enough...it really does work like that. well, that and nursing like a dairy cow.

- i'm working on a post about exercise. last night, on our walk, a neighbor asked me if i was a runner because i had a runners physique. i just stood there laughing while mr. darling started telling them i run marathons. at which point i had to correct him, RAN. past tense, dear husband. this girl hasn't ran in over a year.

- i'm thinking of selling our tv and refusing to look at the news anymore. ignorance is bliss, right? i can't handle it anymore. like my friend said, with the baby lisa case, penn state, casey anthony...it's way too much. it's terrifying. i lay awake at night, my mind running wild with horrifying "what if's"... i need a break from it all. excuse me while i go stick my head in the sand.

- i am ridiculously excited for christmas this year. like, beyond excited. mr. darling and i talk all the time about how fun it will be to play santa for ruth. we can hardly stand it! i know she won't remember this christmas but we will. and we are so looking forward to it!

- we steam cleaned our carpet this weekend. it looks and feels amazing. and let me say this...when we moved into our home last february the carpet was brand new. and we always take our shoes off in the entry hall (no shoes on the carpet!). and i vacuum twice a week. all that to say, we keep it really clean. and oh my word, when i got done cleaning the carpet the water in the dirty water bin was BLACK. it was disgusting! i can't imagine what it looks like in homes where they wear shoes indoors! blech. i've declared we will do this twice a year. and i feel a lot better about when ruth starts crawling around on it now...it just feels so clean. although there is a faint hint of vinegar in the air. instead of the cleaning solution the store sold i googled all-natural solutions and everything said to use equal parts hot water and white vinegar. it's safe for kids and pets and has no chemicals in it. and super cheap! worked like a charm.

- i need some new (easy) recipes. because if i make spaghetti one more time i might puke.

there really are monsters hiding in the dark.

2011-11-10T13:05:00.001-08:00

today i'm going to tell you a story about how mr. darling and i almost went crazy last night. yes, we'll talk about that and not about penn state. which is what i really want to talk about but when i do my blood pressure spikes, i have to fight the urge not to vomit. and physically force myself not to take my baby into my arms and run screaming into the dark oklahoma night, headed for some deserted island where no one evil can find us. because this world we live in? this world full of evil and destruction? this world where people do the bare minimum and then turn a blind eye to so many children being abused RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSE...i cannot handle this world. it is beyond my comprehension. i do no understand why, knowing that sort of abuse is happening on your watch, and you do next to nothing. sure, paterno did nothing illegal. he reported the abuse. BUT HE STOPPED THERE. he did not fight like hell to make sure it stopped and the monster who committed those unthinkable acts wasn't locked up for life. he did not do what he should have done...and that is fight for those sweet children. he did not make sure it STOPPED.

i just...i can't handle it. i've seen what happens when adults don't protect children. when they allow abuse to happen. whether it be sexual, physical or verbal...abuse is abuse. obviously some is worse than the others. certain abuses cause far more destruction than others. but at the heart of it, it's all evil. it's all destructive. and i have seen the consequences when adults allow it to happen. when, instead of protecting a child, they simply turn their head and pretend they don't see it. and you know what? for the abusers and the people who turn a blind eye and do nothing to help those kids...HELL IS NOT HOT ENOUGH.

life changed in every single way for me when ruth was born. in the obvious ways, clearly. but in some unexpected ways, as well. for instance, i can't watch violent tv shows anymore that involve kids (law & order: svu). watching the news tends to set me into panic. suddenly this world is far too violent and evil and i can't do enough to keep her safe. i read an article yesterday stating that the majority of sexual abuse cases, the predator is someone the child knows. whether it be a family member or friend, a member of the church or community, etc...it's generally someone the family knows. and the majority of these monsters (most are men) have no criminal records. so, here's our new issue...yes, you teach your child about stranger danger. but how do you teach them about the dangers that lurk in their own world? about soccer coaches and neighbors, a friend's father...it's horrifying. and necessary.

oh yes, i was going to tell you a funny story about last night. maybe tomorrow, okay? i don't feel like telling a funny story right now. right now i feel like sobbing and raging all at once.

oh, Lord. be near.

a new deer hut. because it's that time of year again.

2011-11-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

we spent the weekend finishing up the deer hut. so, why don't we talk about that today and NOT discuss stupid freaking daylight savings time that screwed with the baby's head...causing her to get up BEFORE THE BREAK OF DAWN.

background info...we hunt in these due to safety issues. (read: i don't want to get eaten by a mountain lion.) we previously had two huts but both were destroyed in a wildfire this summer.

here is the new hut with framing and two walls. i screwed on those walls (and later, the roof), thank you very much.

the finished product (paint job courtesy of moi), being loaded onto the trailer:

it has five sliding plexiglass windows. in the photo above you are looking at the front of the hut. the door is on the backside. on the front there are two windows at different heights to accommodate our taller hunters (mr. darling) and a shorter window for the rest of us. this is because there is a gun rest and ledge inside under the windows and it will be easier to shoot if the window is the proper height.

i meant to take some interior pictures but it's carpeted inside, has a long, padded bench and a metal holder for a propane heater. swanky, right?

unloading it in the treeline. we chose to set it up on the edge of a field. i "helped" set it up. meaning, i took pictures and bossed the boys around, telling them how it needed to be set up.

the view behind the deer hut:

the view down the fence-line...just beyond the trees is a creek:

then i took the 4-wheeler back to the house.
confession: i was out there maybe 20 minutes and only about 1/2 a mile from the house. just minutes away. my mom was playing with ruth back at the house. they were having a ball! but i was having trouble being that far from her. i know. it wasn't far or long at all. but it was tough. so i went back to the house. we'll see how hunting goes...i'm a little anxious about it...

anyways, isn't my dad a phenomenal carpenter? the man whipped this thing up from scratch with no plans or anything! i am impressed. and it is extremely well put together, he's a perfectionist (something i did NOT inherit from him). it was such a fun project to work with him on. we had a great time.

friday night word vomit.

2011-11-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

it's friday night.

and all the people said?
AMEN.

here is what i've learned this week:

- being sick and taking care of your baby is tough. like, really TOUGH. all i wanted to do was lay down and sleep. but that's quite impossible with a 5 month old. especially when that 5 month old decided this week to nap no longer than 30 minutes at a time. whoever sent her that memo? YOU'RE ON MY CRAP LIST.

- teething is kicking my butt at night. we are back to up every 1.5 - 2 hours at night and it's rough. i go struggle with what to do...if she's genuinely hurting then i, in no way, want to deny her comfort. but sometimes i think she also tends to get in the habit of simply waking up and wanting to eat every 2 hours when i know it's not out of hunger, just habit. and that? not so much gonna fly at nearly 6 months old.

- i am terrified of mountain lions. like, a legitimate horrifying fear. and this was hit by a car not too far from the ranch:

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?? dear gosh.

- mr. darling alternate nights on who gives ruth her bath. on his nights i love to sneak down the hallway, peek around the corner and watch, listen to him talking to her. it melts my heart.

- i've got mr. darling about 90% on board for decorating the house for christmas next week. yes, next week. we normally decorate the weekend before thanksgiving. but i'm extra excited this year, i think ruth is going to flip over the christmas lights and decorations! we need to buy a new tree this year...our old one got trashed during the move. it was falling apart...it had lived a full life but enough is enough. so, i'm shopping around for the best deal...i want something pre-lit and maybe 9 feet tall. our ceilings are vaulted in the living room and i think it would look beautiful!

- i am beginning to become concerned about the time change and how it will affect ruth's sleep...any advice?

- has anyone tried a pure barre/bar method dvd? i've heard really great things about the classes and i'm curious if the videos are just as effective.

a little chaotic.

2011-11-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

i had big dreams before the baby was born. i declared, with gumption, that baby paraphernalia would not overtake our house. that, despite a new baby and a dog, i would keep everything tidy and neat. you can have a baby and not look like babies r' us exploded in your living room.

hold on...be really quiet...can you hear it? the hysterical laughter.

at this moment there is a quilt spread across the living room floor, scattered with no less than ten brightly colored baby toys. in one corner of the room is a swing, in the opposite corner is a baby walker. on the table by the door is a stack of clothes; tiny pants, a long sleeve onesie and sweet pink socks. ruth's outfit from last night that i took off of her in the living room before her bath. on the couch is a boppy, three burp rags and a baby blanket. on the arm of the recliner is a stray (clean) diaper. on the fireplace hearth is a stack of baby books. AND THAT'S JUST THE LIVING ROOM.

every night before i go to bed i try my best to tidy up our home. clean the kitchen, pick up dog and baby toys, put away folded laundry. but some (a lot) nights it doesn't get done. because bedtime takes longer than usual. or because the day was intense and long and my body aches from exhaustion.

you know what i've learned? that's okay. life is messy. it's rarely neat and tidy. put together with hospital corners and tied up in a pretty pink bow. it's dragging the trashcans to the curb at dawn in your pajamas and no bra. it's leftover chili sitting in a pot in the sink, stinking up the kitchen. it's vanilla wafers for breakfast because the milk is spoiled.

and i'm okay with this. i'm okay with life being messy. because it's our life. and our house has become a home. the stinky chili is a reminder of a family dinner. it's all a sign of a life well-lived. some days it's messy in more than one way. it's doctor appointments and tears and paying a pile of bills. but i've learned to take the good with the bad. because in each day He is faithful to give us the grace we need.

and that's what i'll tell myself when i pick up an armful of toys or change a dirty diaper for the third time in an hour. His grace is sufficient.

an urgent love.

2011-11-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

when i was nine years old, i gave my life to the Lord. it was the night before Easter sunday. that was the day of my salvation. but my journey with the Lord did not end there. not even close.

when i was 19, the summer after my freshman year of college, i attended an outdoor conference in tennessee called OneDay. and there, in the rain, kneeling in the mud, my face buried in the wet grass, i answered His call to missions. i committed my life to His service as a missionary. three years later, after graduation, i moved to africa.

i lived in africa, as a missionary, for 15 months. my term ended short due to political unrest in the country i called home. so, i came back to the states. i returned exhausted. broken. humbled beyond words. changed eternally.

and for a long time i struggled with my calling...how am i to be a missionary here in oklahoma? it was a battle for me for years. but slowly He has opened my eyes to His calling in my life. to His truth. and i realize, like myself, as i grow and change so does His purpose in my life. for a time my mission field was college and various short-term mission trips. then africa. then my world became smaller. i was married and i began to learn my mission field was my home. you see, being a missionary isn't just preaching salvation. it's discipleship. it's service. it's love and grace.

and then ruth was born.

and suddenly an urgency erupted in my soul. an urgency that had laid dormant for years, since i moved back to the states. but it's alive, now. it's a hot fire fueling my every word and thought. because there is no greater prayer in my life at this moment than for ruth to come to know the Lord. for her salvation and heart to be secure in His holy name. and that is what drives me. that is what drives both mr. darling and i. it is why every song we sing to her is about Jesus. it is why we read a story each day from her children's storybook Bible. it is why we teach her about Jesus and His life. it is why we pray together as a family every night before she goes to bed.

i encourage you to watch this. it's a beautiful, haunting story about a pilot who should have flown one of the planes that crashed into the world trade towers on 9/11. his testimony is powerful. and he says something that i have been feeling for awhile now...there is an urgency. this is borrowed time.

at the end of the day, all the things we work for fade in comparison to Him. and this is why i live: to make His name known. to live a life that brings Him glory.

everything else?

it's all worthless.

teething. and processed beef by-product snacks.

2011-10-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

kari asked me how teething is going so far and what is working for us. so, i thought i would share. info like this is invaluable to me right now. and maybe what works for us could help someone else.

ruth is in her second week of serious teething. like all out, drool like a mad dog, fussy, teething. so far we LOVE this:

hyland's baby teething tablets.

you can find them at wal-mart or target. they really seem to help ruth. more than anything else so far. at first i was dissolving them in a tsp of water and giving that to her. holy cow, she HATED it. she acted like i was force feeding her gasoline. the tablets are made to dissolve quickly when mixed with saliva. so i just popped a couple in her mouth (they are teeny tiny) and sure enough, they dissolved almost instantly on her tongue. that went a lot better. i love that it's organic and doesn't numb anything.

baby tylenol

generally i only give ruth tylenol when her teething pain is really bad. and honestly, i don't know that it does that much for her. i've read that baby motrin works much better but you can't give it to infants until they hit 6 months. i have noticed when she wakes up at night crying in pain the tylenol does relieve it enough for her to get back to sleep. so, there's that.

i also have baby orajel but we have't used it yet. and then there are the teething toys. she has several teething rings that are filled with purified water. i keep them in a baggie in the fridge and she LOVES them. i also will get half of a baby washrag wet and freeze it. once it's frozen sort of crumple it around so it's not so stiff then let her chew on it. this goes over well as well. she can hold onto the unfrozen part and gum the frozen end.

also, nursing works really well. naturally, when you nurse your body and the baby's body releases oxytocin, which is a natural pain reliever, among other things. nursing always seems to soothe her the best. it's comforting, takes away some of the pain and relaxes her.

but you know what does NOT work?

letting your baby gnaw on a slim jim. this was recommended to me by my MIL and aunt-in-law this weekend. and no, i'm not kidding even a tiny bit. it was all i could do to not vomit and run screaming into the dark oklahoma night. and she wonders why we never come around. GOSH, I WONDER WHY. instead, i just sweetly smiled and explained that i don't eat that junk so i would certainly not allow my 5 month old baby to eat it either.

and then i took ruth and hid out in the bathroom for awhile.

maybe she's storing up acorns in her cheeks for winter.

2011-10-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

yesterday i rolled into the kitchen while my mom was distracted.
watch out, suckas...I'M MOBILE.

happy friday!

it's a fun-house. minus the cotton candy. and scary clowns.

2011-10-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

kari commented on yesterday's post that her pre-pregnancy jeans fit, too.
"mine zip...but they don't look like they used to."

i laughed really loudly at that...mainly because misery loves company. my body, after having a baby, is like looking in a fun-house mirror. it's still me but everything looks wonky. i'm a different shape. it's so weird. i'm a few pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight (it varies from time of day and how much frosting i've consumed that week) but clothes just fit differently. weirder, somehow. plus there is a pooch on my stomach that i fear will NEVER GO AWAY. (please, someone tell me that will eventually go away. PLEASE.)

and can we take a minute to mourn the fact that the girls (ta-tas) will never be the same again? a moment of silence, please.

thank you.

totally worth it. absolutely.

favorites. baby crap edition.

2011-10-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

here are of my current favorites...ruth edition.

aveeno baby cleansing therapy.

we are big fans of this stuff. (i feel like i've talked about it before. if so, i apologize for the repeat.) ruth has sensitive skin, like myself, and this works really well. it's soap and fragrance free and full of natural ingredients.

aveeno baby soothing relief cream.

another aveeno baby product we love, the soothing relief moisture cream. i put this on ruth every night after her bath. it's so gentle and keeps her skin moisturized. i also use it on my hands when they get super dry. one thing i love about aveeno baby stuff is the scent is very light. it's not perfume-y and heavy like a lot of baby stuff can be. i think it smells like heaven.

burt's baby bee shampoo & wash.

this is a new one for us but so far i LOVE it. i was using johnson & johnson shampoo on her but i don't like some of the chemicals and fragrance in it (although i love the scent of it). i try to use natural products on ruth as much as i can. so, i picked up some of this at target and we really like it so far. it doesn't irritate her eyes and the scent is so sweet. and there isn't any residue left behind.

johnson's hand & face wipes.

i picked these up on a whim at target one day and OH MY WORD, go get these. NOW. i would use these even if i had no child. they are awesome. they are alchohol free but still kill 95% of germs. i keep one pack in my bag and one in the car. i use these when we are out. people LOVE to touch babies and i can't stand it. so after someone touches ruth and they walk off i wipe her down with one of these. especially now that it's flu season. these are also good to wipe off grocery buggy handles if there aren't any disinfectant wipes available in the store. and i wipe down my hands after leaving a store. i'm not a germ-phobe (even though i sound like one right now!) but i'm super careful about keeping my hands clean when dealing with ruth.

lamaze freddie the firefly toy.

dude, this toy is like baby crack. for real. we also have mortimer the moose. ruth LOVES these toys. it's adorable. i think it's the colors and all the different components of the toy. she can play for a really long time with them. they are really well made and have lots of little details to discover...like a hidden embroidered ladybug behind one of the wings on the firefly. so sweet.

o' ball toy.

i randomly picked this up at target (are you sensing a theme? TARGET. geez.) and it was baby jackpot. the ball is made of a soft rubber/silicone type material. it squishes easy and the holes are perfect for chubby little fingers to grab. this was actually the first toy ruth was able to pick up on her own...it was super easy to grab a hold of for her.

so, that's that. i'm working on a post of things i love right now that isn't baby related. sometimes it seems like everything i write about is baby related lately...but you know, that's my life right now. and this blog has always been a reflection of my life so, there you go. and in other news...i tried on my favorite pair of jeans today and they fit. BOOM.

five months.

2011-10-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

dear ruth,

today you turn five months old. and while i don't want to tell you to slow down and not grow so fast, because i'm so proud of how strong and healthy you are growing, i would like to tell the sun to slow down. maybe for time to move a little slower. for the moon to take it's time climbing up into the sky at night.

this past week you began to roll over from your belly to your back. it took you a couple of weeks of trying but you soon mastered this skill like a champ. and now? now you roll around like a little roly-poly. in the blink of an eye you are off the blanket and on your way into the kitchen. suddenly you are mobile. and i'm not quite sure what to make of it all.

you have also become fascinated with allie. she is learning to not get too close to you because when she does suddenly your chubby hands or tiny toes are burrowing into her fur and pulling. more than once i have found dog hair between your fingers or toes that you've pulled out. but allie never seems to mind. she loves you. i'm so excited to see you two play together when you get a little bigger.

i'm not sure of your exact weight and height this month. you won't visit the pediatrician again until your six month check-up. but i imagine you are closing in on 18 pounds. nursing has become an adventure with you. you are so easily distracted by the world around you lately. you'll nurse for a few minutes and then you're done, anxious to look around and play. especially if we are not at home. but when we are home and in our routine you settle in and eat great meals.

you are sleeping 12 hours each night. you generally wake up twice a night to eat, every four-ish hours or so.

you love laying on the floor and playing with your toys. when your daddy comes home after work you get so excited and squeal like a little monkey. most evenings the two of you lay on the a quilt in the floor and play until bath time. evenings are a favorite in our home.

growing up i never imagine myself as a mom, ruth. i never daydreamed about babies. even as an adult i never gave it much thought. and when i became pregnant with you i would try so hard to imagine what like would be like when you arrived. what you would be like. and, sweet girl, i had no clue. there was no way for me to wrap my mind around what our world would look like with you in it. there was no way to dream up what you would be like.

you made me a mama, ruth. knowing you, loving you has changed me for the better. you have changed your daddy. and our home. everything is better, full of more joy and love, because of you and your life. the Lord is so good to us, miss ruth. every single night, before we put you to bed, your dad and i pray with you. (these are my favorite moments of the day.) we pray for protection, provision and blessing for our family. we pray for wisdom to raise you up so that you will love the Lord. we pray for your salvation and future. and we thank Him for you. oh, how we thank Him for you.

i love you, sweet girl.

love,
mama

my battle for peace.

2011-10-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

while i was growing up i struggled a lot with worry and anxiety. i have a very vivid memory, sometime when i was in grade school, of sitting on the edge of my bed at bedtime and sobbing to my mom. i was terrified she and my dad would get a divorce. there was a girl in my class at school whose parents were getting a divorce and that planted a seed of fear in my mind and it grew into a forest overnight. my mom assured me that would never happen to me. that she and my dad loved each other very much. and she was right. they recently celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary.

i've always been a worry-wort. always.

after i moved home from africa my anxiety was off the charts. for good reason. when i started therapy i learned some very good tools for dealing with that anxiety. and i got on some very good medication.

but it's a struggle for me. i recognize that worry is a sin. it is. it's a demonstration in a lack of faith in the Lord. but i also believe, the longer you live and see things in this world, the harder it is to release that worry. to trust with the innocence of a child. it seems to be more difficult to not worry that the sky is falling when you've actually seen it fall. i'm not making excuses, the Lord still expects that of us. but for me, it's harder as i get older.

and then ruth was born. and boy howdy...that fear and anxiety tripled a million times over. the first month of her life i had several full blown panic attacks. my love for her is so great, so gigantic and the thought that something might happen to her or mr. darling and myself can render me frozen in fear and worry in a split second.

what is it about the night? for me, it's when satan attacks the hardest. those quiet hours while all the world sleeps and i lay awake in bed, tears pouring down my face as i'm gripped with fear and anxiety so intense i can hardly breathe. last nigh was no different.

it's such a battle. i worry. then i pray and lay down that fear at the feet of Christ. i rest in Him. then the worry creeps in again, like a putrid stink, filtering under my door, weaving around my hands, sinking into my heart and stealing away my breath and peace. and the battle rages, back and forth, until the sun lights up the horizon.

i think we all deal with this to some degree. kelly has some beautiful thoughts on it this morning, as well. i think we can only try and do the best we can. and for me that means it's a continual battle. a continual act of resting in the palm of His hand. moment by moment laying my fears down at His feet. trusting Him. breathing. in and out. in and out.

images via.

ripped apart.

2011-10-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

i don't care about the politics or hidden agendas.
i don't care about who stops it or who sends someone over to end the violence.
i don't care.
just do it.
fight for the innocence and lives of these children. of their people.

because this?
this sort of unspeakable horror is unfathomable for us to grasp.
we cannot wrap our minds around it while we sit in our air conditioned home, our pantry full of food, our closets full of new clothes.
i truly believe there are things in this lifetime we will be held accountable for one day, before the throne of God.
why did i not do more to stop the violence?
why did i not speak up for those with no voice?
we will be held accountable.

while ruth napped this afternoon i watched this video and read this. a post that says this so much more eloquently than i ever could. tears pouring down my face.
because this is my africa. and i cannot grasp the horror. the evil that causes this.

aaron quoted wikipedia and gave an overview of what the Lord's Resistance Army is. it sums it up perfectly, i believe...

"The government of Uganda claims that the LRA has only 500 or 1,000 soldiers in total, but other sources estimate that there could be as many as 3,000 soldiers, along with about 1,500 women and children.The bulk of the soldiers fighting for the LRA are children...Since the LRA first started fighting in 1987 they may have forced well over 10,000 boys and girls into combat, often killing family, neighbors and school teachers in the process.

Many of these children were put on the front lines so the casualty rate for these children has been high. They have often used children to fight because they are easy to replace by raiding schools or villages." (wikipedia)

and then he said this, "but i also know God cares more about justice than He does our economy. He cares more about human life than He does american politics."

oh Lord, come soon.

all around the mulberry bush.

2011-10-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

- i keep telling myself i'll do an actual post. not just a smattering of random thoughts. then i sit down to write and NOTHING. my brain is fried. so, guess what? it's another one of these bad boys.

- i'm in the middle of fighting my second bout of mastitis. freaking crap, it sucks. a LOT. one of the big things you are supposed to do when dealing with mastitis is get bed rest. HA. HA. that's hilarious. also, who knew your hooters could hurt so much?!

- yesterday morning ruth rolled over twice from her belly to her back. and then forgot how. so now she just does this a lot.

hiking that leg over but she can't quite figure out how to plop over her shoulder. it's so funny. and she looks like an aerobics instructor practicing donkey kicks.

- it turned cold here overnight. highs in the 60's. that's COLD (to me). guess i should pull out our winter clothes now.

- am i the only one who doesn't get the draw of a pumpkin patch? i mean, people are going hog wild over visiting pumpkin patches right now. i don't know...i don't really understand what the big deal is. but then again, maybe it's just me...i'm not dressing ruth up for halloween either. my opinion is that costumes are expensive, she won't remember it, and it's not like she can go trick-or-treating and eat the candy. but man alive, when people find out she's not getting dressed up they respond like i said i let her play with knives and used syringes in her crib during naptime.

- i eat a lot of cheese. like, if i told you how much you might barf. or at the very least, be alarmed.

- a friend texted me this today. it's dead-on.

every outfit needs a pop of pink.

2011-10-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

swoon.

happy friday, cupcakes!

open letters.

2011-10-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

dear creepy dude who rang our doorbell at 9:15 last night,

thanks for spooking me. too bad for you we don't EVER answer the door unless we know who it is. weirdo. were you seriously selling something that late at night? or was it all a ruse to rob us? oh, and kudos on arriving just before a thunderstorm. that really sealed the deal for me to make sure i was thoroughly creeped out and wide awake until 1am.

i don't want to be on dateline. stay away.
mrs. darling

***

dear middle-aged smoker lady at wal-mart,

please don't touch my baby's hands. also, who in the WORLD, in this day and age, still smokes knowing what we know about health risks? SERIOUSLY.

you stink,
mrs. darling

***

dear johnson & johnson,

thank you for making alcohol-free antibacterial wipes. because the world is full of morons that think it's appropriate to touch a baby's hands, you save our day on a routine basis.

your biggest fan,
mrs. darling

***

dear God,

thank you for the rain. really, THANK YOU.

forever yours,
mrs. darling

***

dear paul walker,

continue to stay HOTT. fast five was awesome.

swoon,
mrs. darling

***

dear mr. darling,

thank you for acting like i am the greatest cook in the world even though we both know i'm not.
i love you.

always,
mrs. darling

***

dear ruth,

you are our sunshine.

all my love forever,
mama

apparently naps are torture. who knew?

2011-10-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

- yesterday ruth started phasing out her afternoon naps. today she was done. cold turkey. let me tell you something, no 4 month old infant should be awake from NOON until SUPPER TIME. it feels like someone shoving you face-first into a wood chipper.

- last night supper was hamburger patties (with bbq sauce) and cheesy garlic mashed potatoes. nothing fancy. simple and cheap. SIMPLE. do you hear that, mr. darling? SIMPLE. but nope. he decided to make the hamburger patties more "interesting". and the result? it was not good.

- it's supposed to rain this week. and if you aren't from around here that might not seem like a big deal to you. but we've been in a drought for about...oh, ALL YEAR...so it's huge news around here. i am praying for a good soaking rain.

- it's officially fall around here. pumpkin candles are burning in every room. the jack-o-lantern is glowing. fall is so cozy, you know?

- today, at the movie rental store, i overheard a girl (i later learned she was 15) trying to convince her mom that bridesmaids isn't a "bad" movie. the mom wasn't so sure, since it is rated R. she asked the employees behind the counter and neither had saw it. meanwhile her daughter is frantic, convincing her mom it's an appropriate movie. um...NO, it's not. i've seen it and i would NEVER let my child watch it. heck, i would be too uncomfortable to watch it with my mom and i'm 30. so i kindly turned to the mom and said, "i've seen it, it's not an appropriate show for your daughter." she thanked me profusely. and her daughter? oh, if looks could kill. i was half scared she would try and jump me in the parking lot.

but i kept thinking if, in 15 years, that was ruth and i...i would certainly want someone to speak up and tell me the truth. and then my child would have a coming to Jesus for LYING and watching rated R movies behind my back.

- seriously. TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS.

images via.

our allie.

2011-10-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

allie (our maltese-shih tzu) was a part of our family for almost 2.5 years before ruth arrived. we were curious to see how she would adjust to a baby around the home. and more specifically...how she would deal with not being the center of our attention anymore.

she seems to have adjusted quite well. the first couple of weeks were rocky...she was pretty much depressed. she would mope around the house like life was absolutely awful. on top of not being the center of our attention, her routine was thrown entirely out of whack as well.

it took awhile but she understands not to play with ruth's toys. and not to lick her, even though every now and then i catch her sneaking a lick to the top of ruth's head.

when i get up at night to nurse ruth, allie always comes with me. she sleeps curled up next to me at night. usually she'll stay up with me but sometimes she'll come in there, check on us then go back to bed.

she really seems to love ruth. she's the first to be at the nursery door when ruth cries from her crib. and when we come home she automatically goes to the carseat and sniffs ruth's toes, to make sure she's there and alright.

i never really understood this before allie joined our world, but she is very much a part of our family. we adore her. she is such a sweet, loving puppy.

i can't wait to see how she and ruth will interact when ruth starts crawling. already i catch them staring each other down...allie's tail wagging like crazy and ruth grinning the biggest grin. and it's usually in those moments i find myself thinking how thankful i am for this beautiful family that i have been given. it's such a sweet life.

overwhelmed.

2011-10-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

being a parent is...what's the word? overwhelming. nutty. beautiful. FULL OF WORRY.

i have never, in my entire life, worried as much as i have in the 4 months since ruth was born.

yesterday mr. darling and i met with our attorney and had our will, among other documents, drawn up. afterwards i felt relief...knowing that, God forbid it, should anything happen to us, ruth would be cared for by people who adore every molecule of her being. last night i slept easy.

this morning i read this. and the terror i felt...it felt suffocating. i literally could not breathe for a moment. then i obsessively checked all the locks on our windows and doors no less than three times as i cried and prayed for that sweet girl and her parents.

before she was born people, usually mothers, would tell me how much i would love her. how that love would overtake my heart and life. i didn't really understand until she was born. and day by day that love grows, as impossible as it seems, greater and greater. and with that love, the worry.

as a follower of Christ, i know that worry is a sin. and yet, as a new mom, i struggle with letting go of this worry. it's amazing...the arrival of ruth has caused my relationship and faith in Christ to grow by leaps and bounds. mostly because i realize how desperate is my need for Him. and how most minutes of the day i find myself whispering a prayer to Him.

but the greatest struggle? my biggest prayer? release me from this fear and terror. soothe my anxious spirit. because ruth is not ours. she belongs to the Lord. and all my might, all my strength cannot keep her safe like He can.

it's one thing to trust the Lord with my own life. but to trust Him with the life of my family. the people i love more than my own breath. that, right there, is a whole other beast. and it's something i have to lay at His feet every single moment of every single day.

be near, O Lord.
please, be near.

blue bell = bliss.

2011-10-03T11:18:00.000-07:00

- i unpacked our halloween/fall decor and set it out. when we lived in our 820 sq. foot apartment it looked festive. it wasn't a lot but we didn't have much room. so the decor wasn't overwhelming, didn't scream in your face. it was perfect. but now, living in a 1600 sq. foot house, um...it just seems sad and sparse.

- mr. darling cut his finger open with a BUTTER KNIFE on saturday. don't even ask me how he accomplished that. he was cutting open a package of fish. instead of offering sympathy i might have asked him why in the world he didn't walk into the bathroom and get the SCISSORS. good freaking grief. he needs stitches but he's too stubborn.

- my MIL came up on saturday evening. she brought ruth a DOG COLLAR to use for a toy. no, i'm not kidding. not even a little bit. she attached it to another toy. mr. darling saw it and said, "is that a dog collar?" and she said, "yes, i thought she might want to play with it! it's cute!" i mean, WHAT IN THE FREAKING WORLD?! when i told my sister she said, "i don't understand. what's wrong with giving her normal baby HUMAN toys?" no crap.

- and yet the dog collar incident seems about right for this woman. OH, THE STORIES I COULD TELL.

- this afternoon, after her nap and feeding, i was playing with ruth. hugging her, dancing around, etc. i leaned over to kiss her on her cheek and she spit up ALL OVER MY FACE. it was like being baptized in hot milk. then she looked at me and smiled the biggest smile.

- very few things gross me out anymore.

i have no idea what my natural color is anymore.

2011-10-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

i went from this:

to this:

(i thank you for turning a blind eye to the exhaustion, ghostly complexion and lack of makeup in the bottom pic. oh, and that shirt? my second day in a row to wear it. but i'm clean and THAT COUNTS FOR SOMETHING.)

four months.

2011-10-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

dear ruth,

last saturday you turned four months old. and, sweet girl, you are a delight. each day we learn more about you and your personality. you look so much like your daddy, but it turns out you have a lot of me in you as well. we both strongly dislike cold weather. both of us love the heat. the hotter the better. you adored long walks this summer when it was hotter than the backside of hell outside. but we took you out one very cool evening and you screamed bloody murder. i totally get it.

you are rolling over like crazy these days. and as i write this you are currently taking a nap and sleeping on your belly. i keep going in there to check on you but you're fine. just snoozing away. i kept flipping you over but you would roll back on your belly immediately...so finally i just left you. the doctor said you would be fine. and you are.

weight: 17.6 pounds.
height: 24.5 inches.
diapers: size 3.
clothes: mostly size 9 months.
favorites: bath time, eating, being naked, getting your diaper changed, watching allie, playing on the floor with your toys, going on walks, being with mama and dad.
dislikes: the cold weather, going to sleep, your carseat.

sweet girl, i could probably write forever about how much we love you. about how you have changed our life and changed our world. there really are not enough words to express how i feel about you. and maybe one day i'll try and write it out, but not today. today i'll just say this: you are a blessing. i look at you and i see the goodness of the Lord. i look into your eyes and i want to change the world. i want to make it a better place for you to live in. i look at you and i am painfully aware of how utterly thankful i am to God that He saw fit to bless us with you.

i love you forever.

love,
mama

shopping. baby girl edition.

2011-09-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

kelly's korner is doing a fun blog today...show us where you shop for kids clothes. so, i'm joining in...basically because if you are anything like me you really have no freaking clue about this stuff.

when ruth was born she received a TON of clothes from all different places. so we discovered her faves through trial and error.

for her everyday clothes we go for comfort. it's totally my goal in dressing, too. cute? sure. comfortable? a MUST. for ruth, her everyday clothes and pajamas are carter's brand. we LOVE carter's. their clothes are cute, extremely well made and super soft. and aren't covered in ridiculous sayings.

i purchase her carter's clothes at either the carter's outlet or kohl's. both constantly run really great sales. it's freaking awesome because i refuse to pay an arm and a leg for baby clothes. dude, they only wear them for about 7.3 seconds!

in a carter's onesie. yes, it's a boy's onesie...i loved the dinosaurs on it!

for her church/dressy clothes, we get the majority of them from dillard's department store. and i'm so thankful ruth has a gigi and an auntie that love to buy her cute outfits! it's such a blessing!

in a smocked ladybug outfit from dillard's.

as far as random objects...i get her baby legs from amazon (LOVE baby legs...they are so stinking handy!). halo sleep sacks from either target or baby's r' us. and basic white onesies and diaper shirts from walmart (the carter's just for you brand). walmart also carries great cotton summer pajamas that are super soft.

i'm not really a fan of target for baby's clothes. i mean...what in the world? because target is amazing. but their baby clothes are weird. most of them are two piece sets and i'm not a fan of those for everyday wear. they ride up and her belly shows and it just seems uncomfortable. the onesies seem scratchy to me. plus, they generally say something stupid like "princess". and NOTHING makes me more violent than the idea of ruth wearing something that implies she should be treated and view herself as a princess. (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THIS.)

so, that's where i shop for miss ruth. tell me where you shop for kid's clothes! (i'm always open for new shopping ideas!)

catch up. (finally!)

2011-09-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

1. so, my computer was at the "shop" for a week. i felt a little lost. it's back now. duh. so, let's play catch up!

2. yesterday was ruth's 4 month check up. homegirl weighed in at 17.6 pounds. we grow em' big around here. she is such an adorable little chunk! 24.5 inches long. she is "perfect" according to dr. moore. of course she is.

3. her pediatrician also said she is developmentally "advanced" and is on the level of a 6 month old. he projected she will most likely be crawling when she turns 6 months old. um, SAY WHAT?! that's in two months. dude.

4. i knew she was a genius.

5. have you seen mr. darling lately? because i haven't. he's been working insane hours. like, literally. i can count on ONE hand how many waking hours we have spent together this week. ONE HAND. i miss him.

6. because of his crazy hours and ruth's 4 month sleep regression (see below) both of us are operating on NO FREAKING SLEEP. read: it's a zombie house around here.

7. sleep regression = HOLY CRAP, my baby will never sleep again. she is back to her newborn schedule of up every 2/3 hours all night long. i've read varying reports that this regression can last anywhere from a few days to a few months. so far it's been a week.

8. last night i fell asleep while standing in the doorway of her nursery. LITERALLY. i was watching her while she settled back into sleep and i FELL ASLEEP standing up. i fell forward and hit the edge of the door.

9. two nights ago, during a 4am feeding, i thought i heard screaming outside. so i muted the tv (cmt country videos) and i could hear a pack of coyotes howling in the field behind our house. SCARY MARY. i freaking hate coyotes. they scare me to death.

10. because of all the wildlife around here i refuse to let allie go outside into the backyard at night anymore. even though we have a big wooden fence around our yard. so, the pee pads are back in black around here. yuck.

11. today i went and had my hair done. a trim, long layers and color. i went dark. i mean, DARK. i'll post pics tomorrow.

12. my mom kept ruth while i was at the hairdresser. it was the first time i've been away from her for more than 30 minutes. and the first time she's stayed with anyone other than her parents. it was a big success. she did so great with her gigi.

13. a lady at the hair salon told me i needed to start pumping and "get some distance from that baby." HAG. first of all, i didn't ask your opinion. and second of all, i do not want distance from my baby. seriously, HAG. people freaking amaze me.

14. my hairdresser (who has done my hair off and on since i was 13) and i set my sister up on a date for tomorrow with a dude jason (the hair guy) knows. matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.

15. i am so proud of my dear friend. she had a dream to become a nurse, so she went back to school, worked her butt off and did it! seriously. she is going to be the best ER nurse in all of alabama.

365 days.

2011-09-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

for some reason this evening stands out very clearly in my memory. it was friday, september 17th.

it was super hot outside and we had planned a date night. when mr. darling got home for work we were headed to our favorite local restaurant (in the town we used to live in), the mont. the food was mediocre at best but you didn't go for the food. you went for ambiance. you ate outside in this little garden area surrounded by trees, twinkly lights and misters to keep you cool. it's laid back, super fun and has great drinks. we loved it.

while waiting for mr. darling to get home i took these pictures. i ended up changing outfits and wore a white t-shirt and coral shorts. i remember feeling very tan and pretty. we had a great time. while eating i kicked off my flip flops and the stone patio floor was cool under my feet. mr. darling's shirt was wet from the misters by the time we left. we stayed for hours at the restaurant...talking, laughing and people watching. it was a wonderful late summer night.

and i think one reason this is all so vivid in my mind is because less than 48 hours later we discovered i was pregnant. on september 19th. so that was the last date we went on before we were aware of a baby in our life. it was kind of like our last date as kids...if you consider a 29 and 31 year old kids.

it's startling to me that one year ago today i took a pregnancy test and our world flipped upside down. i was terrified and mr.darling was giddy with excitement. and now, one year later, a million things have changed. but most importantly...one very big change. and all 16 pounds of her is currently laying in her crib and letting me know very loudly that she is not on board with the nap i am insisting she take.

she has her daddy's eyes and her mama's nose. she's lost all her beautiful dark hair she was born with and is nearly bald. this morning she picked up her toy by herself and i'm pretty sure she's starting to teethe. she is the sweetest blessing the good Lord has ever given us. her smile lights up the room and her temper will burst your eardrums.

and i wish i could go back in time to that hot sunday morning in september. i would kneel down on the bathroom floor where i was sitting, look that overwhelmed, scared girl in the eyes and tell her it will all be okay. it will be better than okay. because the Lord will provide. He will answers all her million questions and provide in all the ways she desperately needs Him to. and they will be great parents...because the Lord is faithful to teach them and guide them. yes, there will be sleepless nights. there will be tears and worry. but it will be worth it. because very soon your daughter, ruth, will burst into your life. she will complete your family and change your life. your heart will explode with love for her. you will wonder how you ever got along without her. and your world will never, ever be the same.

right after this all heckfire broke loose. we share a hatred of cold weather, apparently.

2011-09-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

have a wonderful weekend.

love,
the darlings

a darling dump.

2011-09-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

- i just saw on the news where a former high school classmate of mine was arrested in a string of armed robberies. okay. first of all, this girl was a cheerleader in high school. one of the "popular" girls. she wasn't nice. i had a few classes with her and she thought she was very special. dude. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?

apparently she was the getaway driver while her boyfriend held people up at gunpoint and robbed them. exactly what happened to me two years ago. i have no sympathy for people like this. being robbed at gunpoint is terrifying. it makes me irrate that people do this kind of crap.

but mostly? this is like some sort of lifetime tv movie. cheerleader turns to a life of crime. that's just crazy talk.

- today is our 62nd day this summer of 100+ degree heat. this summer has felt like living on the face of the sun. and a lot of those days were 110+ degrees. that's hot. that's like west africa hot season hot. except minus the raw sewage. and abundance of poulet yassa. and coke in a glass bottle. and people pooping in your driveway. and delicous peanuts in little bags.

- thursday is forecasted to be rainy (thank you, Lord! this drought is AWFUL.) and a high of 65. HELLO, SWEET RELIEF. i plan on making a stew in the crock pot and strong-arming mr. darling to dig out the fall decor.

- i need a long hair style. right now my hair is past my shoulders and just a blunt cut. i need some sort of style. i want to keep the length but it needs to do something. so, i need ideas. ready, GO.

- last night i was getting ready to take the girls (read: ruth and allie) for our evening walk. so, i'm buckling ruth into her carrier (see pic below). two of the buckles (those plastic snap buckles) are right under her arms. so you have to make sure her arms are out of the way well, she was squirming around, allie was flipping out because IT'S A WALK AND WALKS ARE HER MOST FAVORITEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. and as soon as i snapped that left buckle i knew i had messed up. i immediately start frantically unsnapping it and about 0.5 seconds later ruth starts screaming crying. i had pinched her sweet little arm in the buckle. i felt AWFUL. worse than awful. i felt sick to my stomach. i could actually feel her pain, i could feel how bad it hurts. i hate those tiny pinches, they are brutal.

so, i get her free, turn her around and am comforting her. she stops crying after about 5 seconds and was fine. but i wasn't. nope. not at all. mr. darling comes running into the room and sees allie flipping out, and me standing there crying like a goob and hugging ruth as tightly as i could. he kept telling me she was fine. and she is. but even today i still feel awful about it. she totally handled it way better than i did.

- have you tasted betty crocker's whipped butter cream frosting? you know, the kind in the can in the cake mix aisle? it's amazing. it tastes like pure bliss. my sister and i used to eat it all the time. once, while out shopping, we ran into target and bought a can and two plastic spoons and snacked on it all day long. well, yesterday i bought a can on a whim. i finally had to throw it away this afternoon because i could NOT stop eating it. i'll spare you the details about how much i consumed...i'm so ashamed.

but apparently not too ashamed because i'm writing it on here for all the world to see.

- missoni for target came out today. dude, women are going ape shit over that stuff. like, seriously. apparently it's very popular to buy it then hawk it on ebay for, literally, 10x the original price. and people will buy it because apparently the entire world is crazy. here's my deal...they are aware it's still TARGET, right? i mean, c'mon. if i'm going to pay $50 for a scarf, i can guarantee you it won't be from freaking target.

she totally thinks the missoni crazed madness is lame, too.

fave things. september edition. like vogue...only way less glamorous.

2011-09-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

i haven't done one of these in awhile...let's get after it!

philip's avent soothie pacifier.

ruth doesn't take any pacifiers...but this is the only one she won't spit violently across the room. so, if i hold it in her mouth (she hasn't figured out how to keep it in there herself) she'll suck on it long enough to calm down and go to sleep. and the only time we use it? in church and restaurants. total lifesaver.

friends.

of course. there is a marathon of friends on nick at nite right now. THANK GOODNESS. now i have something to watch during middle of the night nursing sessions instead of those stupid kardashians.

bravado body silk seamless nursing bra.

this bra is amazing. like, it was constructed from the wings of baby angels. it is soft, stretchy and really well made. and worth every single penny. absolutely. i used to sleep in nursing tanks but after getting mastitis because they are too tight i switched to wearing this at night. it's awesome. i have other nursing bras that i like but this one is my fave, hands down. (also, it's so ugly. but they all are pretty much.) i ordered mine from amazon and it arrived perfectly.

dial's aloe vera yogurt liquid soap.

i know, right? how lame. but man, this stuff smells great!

calvin klein's eternity perfume.

i normally wear gap's close or vs' heavenly perfume. but lately i've been wearing this and love it. my mom also wears it and i like that it reminds me of her, too.

lansinoh's nursing pads.

these are the bomb diggity. i have tried every disposable nursing pad out there and these are the best BY FAR. i tend to leak a lot at night (gross, i know)...and these wick away the moisture. none of the others do. and they are thin and shaped to form around your ta-ta...so it doesn't look like you are wearing a maxi pad in your bra.

popchips in cheddar.

go. eat these. your life will be changed.

arrows all around.

2011-09-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

i'm always a little amazed at how well satan knows how to attack. of course it would be today. after the baby was up every three hours throughout the night. and i struggled to sleep in between feedings. by the time 5 a.m. rolled around i was seeing stars.

so, of course today would be brutal.

and it was no small stone whipped around. it was a fiery arrow. aimed at the very core of my heart. aimed at that soft underbelly...where he knew it would shred me to pieces.

and it did.

but God is bigger. and He has healed wounds like this before. and i'm so thankful to be a child of God...to have a Savior who is bigger than all the sin around us. greater than satan. a God who has already won. a God who asks us simply to stand on the mountain, our hands lifted high to the sky, and watch Him fight the battle for us. watch the enemy be slaughtered. slain at my feet.

because the Truth always comes out. always wins.

so, i won't back down. i won't hunker in the corner and admit defeat. even when my stomach is shredded. i won't stop asking Him to fight this battle for me. i won't give up.

and tonight i'm thanking Him for fighting for me.

for healing what is broken.

for restoring what has been lost.

a darling day.

2011-09-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

i've seen a few blogs doing this lately...a day in the life...and i LOVE it. of course, i'm super nosey, so naturally i would love something like this. we don't have a schedule, per say, but we do have a routine. we generally do the same things each day, but i allow ruth to determine when the day begins so the times vary. this is our monday.

8:30 - ruth wakes up. she is my alarm clock. she usually starts her morning anywhere from 7 to 9:30. it's usually around 8ish though. i stumble to her room, change her diaper and we go get in our nursing spot. aka, the couch. allie is always right there with us. i usually talk to my mom while i feed ruth.

8:50 to 9:15 - we all head off to the master bathroom. ruth hangs out in her bouncy seat and allie naps on the bathmat while i shower and get dressed for the day.

9:15 to 9:30 - i get ruth ready for the day. wash her face, get her dressed, etc.

9:30 - ruth goes down for her first nap. she is still on the newborn schedule of only being awake for one hour before going down for a nap. some days she stays up for maybe 70 mins, but usually right at an hour she starts yawning and rubbing her eyes. it generally takes her around 10 mins to fall asleep. ruth may be the spitting image of her dad but she has a lot of my personality. she prefers to be left alone and fall asleep on her own. she's been doing this since she was 4 weeks old. once she is asleep, she sleeps for 45 mins exactly. this is relatively new and yes, it's exhausting.

9:30 to 10:20 - i do some laundry, eat breakfast, and take care of allie.

10:20 to 11:00 - ruth wakes up and we play.

11:00 - ruth eats again. i allow her to set the schedule for eating. lately it's around every 2.5 hours. as the day progresses she usually eats every 2 hours.

11:30 - leave to go get groceries. mondays are the days we get groceries. i always put ruth in her carrier, it's the only way she'll quietly make it through the entire trip. if i keep her in her carseat she will SCREAM.

1:00 - it usually takes us about 1.5 hours to get groceries and get home. everything takes longer with a baby. ruth usually falls asleep in the car on the way home so i let her finish her nap in her room in her carseat. i try to get us out of the house at least every other day. ruth LOVES her routine (another similarity we have), so i try to vary her routine every other day otherwise she gets really irrate when we do leave the house and she's not in her room for her nap at the right time. trying to teach flexibility...

1:30 - ruth eats again.

1:50 - ruth goes down for her nap. during this time i eat lunch. i generally eat lunch pretty late in the day.

2:40 - ruth wakes up and we have play time. whenever she is awake i make the effort to focus all of my attention on her...so we read books, sing songs, have tummy time and play with her toys.

3:40 - back down for another nap. i usually blog/write during this time and catch up on the news. this is also when i try and get some chores done around the house.

4:30 - ruth is up and eats again. from here on out she is usually up for the rest of the evening. she used to take another nap around 5 but that hasn't been working out lately. i do make sure that she doesn't go to sleep after 6pm, to make sure that she is good and tired when bedtime rolls around.

5:00 - we start working on supper. ruth hangs out in her swing in the kitchen while i cook.

6:00 - mr. darling gets home (usually between 5:30 and 6:30, depending on how busy he is at work). when he gets home we all hang out on our bed and talk about the day.

6:30 - ruth eats again while mr. darling runs on the treadmill or grills supper if that's what is on the menu.

7:00 to 7:45 - ruth's play time with mr. darling. sometimes i play with them, sometimes i write or catch up on chores or watch tv.

7:45 - we all head out for a walk.

8:15 - ruth's bathtime. she LOVES bathtime.

8:30 - ruth eats again.

9:00 - family prayer-time and ruth goes to bed.

9:00 to 10:30 - mr. darling and i hang out, shower and get ready for bed.

3:00 a.m. (ish) - ruth wakes to eat. sometimes it's earlier, sometimes around 4. i generally will wake her up around 4am to eat if she doesn't wake on her own. mostly because i'm engorged and need her to eat, but also because i want to keep my milk supply up.

6:00 a.m. (ish) - ruth wakes to eat again and goes back to bed.

***

so, there you go...that's our day! now, all of you need to post something like this so i can peep in on your lives, too!

send earplugs. STAT.

2011-09-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

ruth, allie and i spent the holiday weekend at the ranch while mr. darling was out of town. sister darling and stoney came down also and it was delightful. seriously. we had such a wonderful time.

our days were spent napping, eating, helping my dad work on the ranch, and playing with the puppies. and acting like goobers to entertain ruth.

ruth and i shared a room and i have to say...i don't know how people sleep with their baby in the room. because, MAN, they make a LOT of noise whilst sleeping.

today starts Operation: Sleep In Your Crib for the smallest member of the darling household. the first nap went well. she spent the first 30 minutes squealing, kicking and displaying all signs of merriment. it was PARTY TIME. then she slept for 40 minutes.

we are currently underway with nap #2. and my eardrums? THEY ARE BLEEDING FROM ALL THE SCREAMING. girlfriend is MAD.

and in other news...

we went from 108 degrees on saturday to 80 on sunday. it was bizarre and wonderful. our lows are down in the 50's at night and i don't know quite what to do without the flesh-melting heat we have lived with for the past three months.

i need some easy, quick recipes. do you have any you would like to share?

i don't get the appeal of skinny jeans. no, thank you. i would look like a fool in them. i'll stick with my boot cut and trouser, thankyouverymuch.

while i am enjoying the cooler weather, i dread the day i will have to actually put on socks and real shoes. i love wearing my rainbows and chacos. sister says this makes me a redneck. perhaps.

have you tried blue bell's birthday cake ice cream? try it. it will change your life.

taken this morning in our bed.

the angle cracks me up, makes her head look teeny-tiny.

she is a hoot.

tids. and bits. tidbits.

2011-08-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

- ruth rolled over tonight. from her stomach to her back. i was so much in shock i just stared at her. and she stared at me in equal shock. then i started yelling in excitement and startled her.

- we have a nightly backyard visitor. a skunk. have i told you this already? i swear, i can't remember. i'm just so very tired.

- sometimes i wonder if i will ever NOT be tired again in my life.

- sleep deprivation is a form of torture. but no one tells you that when you are about to have a baby. sure, they tell you that you will be tired. but that is such a sick, gross understatement. it's like saying oceans are deep. or the sun is hot. but it's not like anyone would ever tell you that you will be so tired you will be physically ill. and you will believe you are losing your mind. you will be so tired you will fall asleep sitting on the toilet. and you will cry from exhaustion. and yell at your spouse from exhaustion. nope, no one tells you that. instead they smile and inside are thinking, "good luck, sucker."

- mr. darling has been working on his truck the past two nights and not coming in until around 9pm. so, it feels like i've been a single parent for the past 48 hours. and all i can say is single parents are amazing. seriously.

- today i ran into the grocery store to grab some apples and cheddar pop chips (have you had these? SO GOOD.) and they had a whole halloween candy display already up. IT'S STILL AUGUST. good freaking grief.

- on a regular basis, throughout the day, i am overwhelmed with gratitude to my Lord.

- when i go to the bank the teller always gives allie a milkbone. she doesn't like to eat them but loves to bury them. when mr. darling cleaned out my car a couple of weeks ago he found no less than 10 milkbones buried in the car. well, one found it's way into the house and she routinely buries it and then a few hours goes and gets it and buries it in a new place. over and over throughout the day. i guess she's worried ruth will find it and eat it? anyways, today i walked through our bedroom and saw her burying it on the bed. um, okay. a little later i went into our room to make the bed and found in the covers what she buried. it wasn't the milkbone. it was a nilla wafer.

- after this weekend ruth is moving into her crib. i am not looking forward to this. when she's in her crib she gets so excited by all the kicking and room to play that she won't sleep. she just squeals and kicks to the point of exhaustion and then starts screaming. i'm praying for a smooth transition. if anyone has any advice on this, I'M ALL EARS.

edited to add: ruth has been in her nursery from day 1. we are just switching from her rock n'play to crib. sorry for not being clear!

- sometimes, when ruth sleeps, i miss her.

sunday. whew.

2011-08-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

this morning we went to church.

and if you have a baby, or have been around them much you know just how big of an accomplishment that statement is. and if you don't...well, it's HUGE. it's coordinating feedings so the baby eats just before you walk out the door so you can get through the next couple of hours without having to pull your shirt up. and it's not dressing the baby until you are about to leave so as to avoid diaper blow-outs on church clothes. and then there's trying to get myself ready. and realizing they don't make industrial strength concealer strong enough to cover up these dark circles i am sporting.

outtake #1 from our photo-shoot this morning.
her feet NEVER sit still.

and my friend kari described it pretty well today...when she talked about handing her son off to her husband so he could dress him. and her husband responded cheerily in a cheerful tone of someone "who has not been attached and/or feeding a munchkin for hours on end." NAIL ON THE HEAD, RIGHT THERE. because mr. darling responded that way this morning when i asked him to entertain ruth while i got ready. and i wanted to smack him and his cheerful tone. but i was too tired.

outtake #2.

and then we get to church. and since it was right smack dag in the middle of ruth's nap i spent the first half of the service walking the halls and rocking her while she cried. and sweat pouring off of me because 15lbs is a lot of weight to rock free-handed. plus it's hotter than the backside of hell around here.

then she fell asleep and i snuck back into the sanctuary. and enjoyed the rest of the service while my arm BURNED from holding her in a cradle position. but i didn't dare move her and risk waking her up. mr. darling tried to support my arm but it just bugged me.

and all i could think as we walked back to the car after church was over is wow, THAT WAS EXHAUSTING. but worth it. we adore taking our girl to church...i'm so thankful we have the privilege to attend church as a family every sunday.

finally! a non-blurry shot!

after lunch we all crashed and napped for two hours. it was downright decadent.

changed.

2011-08-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

you know your life will change. of course it will, how could it not? but you can't comprehend the depth of that change, the magnitude of it. how that change will turn your world upside down in such a way that it takes months to make heads or tails of it.

because it's a baby.
a little person wholly dependent on you for survival.
of course everything changes.

but, wow. just, wow.

ruth is now three months old. and just now i am starting to feel like myself again. except "myself" has morphed into this whole other being...a MAMA. and i did not see that one coming. yes, i knew i would have a child. and i would be that child's mother. but i did not see this coming; the mama factor.

it's the obvious things...the fact i am never an arm's length away from a burp rag. i can change a diaper in my sleep and not blink twice when i find poop or puke on my arm. i expose my boobs more times in a 24 hour period than i use the bathroom, or eat, for that matter. i can hear her when she wakes up long before anyone else does. i hear those tiny peeps and coos through closed doors. i know her different cries.

and then it's the things i wasn't expecting...the all-consuming nature of being someone's mama. she is constantly at the front of my mind. before i can fall asleep i check in on her a minimum of five times. the nights after she gets her shots i sit up most of the night just watching her sleep because i am so worried about the side effects. i pray for her life and health constantly. i dream of her and wake up patting the dog, thinking it's ruth.

being a mama is different than what i expected. and i struggle with learning to find the balance. the balance in being ruth's mama, mr. darling's wife, sister darling's sister and friend, and my parents' daughter. but mostly i struggle with being a wife and mom at the same time. it's complicated and i'm so thankful that mr. darling is so patient with me as i am feeling my way through this. learning what it all means and how to do it all.

and it's not just learning this new role. it's also looking in the mirror and seeing the new me. i'm still me...but now i wonder if these dark circles under my eyes will ever fade. and now i have a (gulp) muffin top hanging over my pants. so to deal with that i had to buy jeans with a mid-rise. no more low-rise pants for me. (holy crap.) and the stretch marks fade with time...but they are still there.

and i know it's all so silly, but in a way it's not. it's a lot of changes to process at once. and it's a lot of responsibility to shoulder. and it's all heaped upon your head in one dramatic, painful, achingly holy moment when that child bursts forth from your body is laid on your chest...gooey and crying and desperately beautiful.

becoming a mom has certainly thrown me for a loop. moving to africa by myself was child's play compared to this. it's hard. and exhausting. and frustrating. and so incredibly more than i ever dreamed it would be. my love for ruth robs the breath from my throat. she is the greatest blessing of mr. darling and i's life. and i am a better person for knowing her, loving her, being her mama.

don't you just love a meme.

2011-08-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

1. favorite color.
to wear: black. drives my mom bonkers.
to decorate with: pale blues, white and pops of hot pink.
in general: purple.

2. favorite food that you cook.
i'm amending this to favorite food that mr. darling cooks...grilled chicken sandwiches with melted swiss cheese! totally my fave right now.

3. favorite food network chef.
i don't really watch the food network so i'm not aware of the new cooks. i do love paula deen, but mainly because of her personality. i tend to cook differently...far less butter.

4. what is the last beauty product you bought and are you liking it.
the last product i purchased was benefit's posietint. i LOVE it. it's the perfect cheek stain for me.

5. what are your top three beauty products.
benefit's ooh la la lift. love that stuff.
kiehl's blue toner. although i'm out now and have been using clean & clear's toner and i love it just as much.
and magic lotion. ahhh, magic lotion...my mom's best friend told me how to make this stuff and it's amazing. i have sensitive, super dry skin and this stuff changed my life. all you do is take a large bottle of baby lotion, 1/2 container of vaseline and an entire container of vitamin e cream. mix together and store in an airtight container. it's PERFECTION. gentle, incredibly moisturizing and smells great.

6. essie or opi.
i love essie's colors but HATE the actual nail poslish. it's too runny and thin, in my opinion. so, opi. for sure.

7. how often do you workout.
this is funny. no really ha ha funny but put my head through a wall funny. i really thought i would be running every single day on our treadmill while ruth napped. i did twice and that was that. basically it boils down to the fact that she doesn't take long naps. so i can either run or rest, eat, and get some stuff done around the house. i think in a month or two i'll be ready to start running again...but for right now...not so much. and i'm okay with that. my energy levels are close to zero and i'm not willing to kill myself to just run a mile or two.

but every evening we do go for a long walk. and that counts. totally.

8. iced or hot coffee.
blech. neither.

9. place you have never been but would like to go.
oh man, pull up a chair, i could fill a book with destinations. but i guess at the top of the list would be the maldives and stay in an overwater bungalow. i want to camp out on st. john. and israel...i would love to go spend a lot of time there and soak it all in.

10. what gift did you get from your wedding registery that you got the most use out of.
ummm...towels. definately. we are still using the bath towels we received.

11. biggest pet peeve.
oh geez, loud chewers. i can't stand when i can hear people chewing their food. CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT. my in-laws all chew with their mouths WIDE OPEN and talk whilst doing so. it's awful. other things i can't stand, complainers, ungratefulness, strangers who try to touch my baby or get in her face, when someone comes into my home and asks how much something costs, smokers, self-entitlement.

12. best guilty pleasure.
ice cream.

13. magazines you subscribe to.
instyle.

14. drink of choice.
lemon water, strawberry pop, sprite, regular really COLD water.

15. advice you would give your 17 year old self.
don't rush growing up, enjoy this time in your life. wear more sunblock while lifeguarding. don't sell your jeep. don't lose those awesome blue sunglasses. don't take it so hard when people do act the way you think they should. people you love will let you down, that's life. don't worry so much because the next 13 years of your life are going to be incredible. there will be hard moments but mostly it will be amazing. keep chasing hard after the Lord, keep your eyes on Him and get ready...it's an amazing ride.

the chicken hawk story.

2011-08-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

background info: 1) allie is a small dog. 2) all the time, when we are out with allie, we have people come up to us and tell us stories about how they used to have a dog about her size but an owl/coyoyte/hawk carried it off. 3) we live at the back of our neighborhood and our backyard butts up to an empty field surrounded by timber. there is a lot of wildlife back there.

last night allie (on her leash), ruth (in her stroller) and i head out for our evening walk. a few minutes into our walk i kept hearing a bird make it's bird noise. it was like a ca-ca noise, not a chirp. finally, after i heard it several times in a row, i turn around and see this coming at us...

a chicken hawk. a big one. and it was low.
like, REALLY LOW.
and it was flying right towards us.

so, i yank allie's leash and pull her to me, scoop her up and tuck her into my chest. and then i double myself over ruth in her stroller, so my body is covering her up. i did this in about 1.5 seconds. i was positive that stupid bird was about to dive bomb the back of my head. when i did this it got really mad and started ca-ca-ing even louder. it circled us twice more then flew off.

um, HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

i finished our walk because i didn't want a stupid bird to ruin it but the entire time i kept looking up in the sky, waiting for that stupid bird to come back.

finally, we got back home and mr. darling was watering the yard. i start telling him what happend, acting out the entire thing for him. we decided the hawk was most likely after allie...pretty sure it wouldn't bother a baby in a stroller, or even be able to see her for that matter. (but i'm not sure, i'm not an expert on the chicken hawk's eyesite.)

and that is the story of how i came to hate the stupid chicken hawk.

mrs. darling: 1
chicken hawk: 0

little southern belle.

2011-08-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

oh, miss scarlett...famous for that look. that eyebrow cocked sky high and looking at you with an expression of, "oh, honey."

no kidding, she gives us this look ALL. THE. TIME.

saturday.

2011-08-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

we are having a sleepy, peaceful weeked so far...

how's yours?

12 weeks.

2011-08-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

yesterday our chunky monkey turned 12 weeks old. i wanted to write down who she is at 12 weeks so i don't soon forget.

- ruth weighs a few ounces shy of 15 lbs. she wears size 2 diapers and 6 month size clothing.
- my mom and i measured her with a measuring tape and we believe she is around 24 inches long.
- she eats around every 2-2.5 hours during the day.
- up until this week she was waking to eat twice at night, once around 4:30 and again at 7:00 and usually starting her day around 9:00. (those were the days.) i have no idea what we are doing now...last night (her bedtime is around 9:15) she woke to eat at 10pm, 1:30am, 4:30, 6:30 and 7:30.
- she is a happy baby and i feel really blessed to say that. she really only cries when she is tired or hungry. evenings are her fussiest time and usually mr. darling takes over then, entertaining her until bathtime.
- we go for a walk with allie each evening before bed. she loves walks and loves her stroller.
- she is very alert and LOVES to look around. she doesn't like things hanging in her face (toys), they startle her and obstruct her view of the entire room.
- she used to be an awesome napper. not so much anymore.
- favorite things: being naked, bathtime and eating.
- when mr. darling comes home from work we have "family time" on the bed. everyone piles on the bed and we cuddle and talk about our days. ruth's face absolutely lights up during this time because everyone is home and all is right in her world.
- she seems to be very perceptive and feeds off our emotions, especially mine. if i am upset she gets upset as well.
- she is a champ at putting herself to sleep and prefers to be left alone in the peace and quiet of her room when she is tired and ready for bed. she usually fusses during bedtime prayers but as soon as we leave she quiets down and falls asleep. most of the time.

the other day my sister and i were browsing macy's and pushing ruth around in her stroller. she was wearing a blue sundress. a little girl came up to us and said, "your little boy is really cute!" we said, "thanks!"

pretty sure that little girl thought we were lesbian life partners. and maybe i should dress ruth in pink more often.

zombie mama.

2011-08-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

last week little miss ruth decided to switch things up a bit. you know, KEEP ME ON MY TOES. so she went from taking wonderful, decadent 2 hour naps to 45 minute naps. and i was all, "okay, baby. i gotcha, i can keep up." why? because she was sleeping amazing. going 7.5 hours between her bedtime feeding and middle-of-the-night feeding.

7.5 HOURS. do you know how freaking amazing that is after dealing with a newborn feeding schedule? an eat every 2 hours AROUND THE CLOCK and i honestly believed i would NEVER SLEEP AGAIN schedule? it was like winning the lottery and having my gigantic bag of money delivered to me by a shirtless matthew mcconaughey...and after he gives me my money he spoon feeds me blue bell ice cream. IT'S THAT AMAZING.

so i could handle the crazy napping thing. it was difficult because it gave me very little time to get anything done around the house or rest. but i could deal because i was getting around 5 hours of solid sleep a night.

then last night hit. and oh dear gosh, it was like the sky came crashing down. we went back to getting up every 2-3 hours to eat. something she has not done in TWO MONTHS. it was a long night. and an even longer day of these crazy naps.

and that's why i feel like a zombie today. a zombie with cobwebs for eyeballs. and a goathead sticker patch growing under my eyelids.

i miss sleeping. and blinking.

baby buddha says hi. and laughs at her weakling mama who needs sleep.
SLEEP IS FOR WUSSIES.

you can see behind her head my paint samples on the wall. we are going with the far left color, the lightest shade of periwinkle blue. the gallon of paint is in my garage if anyone would like to come over and paint our kitchen/dining area.

i'll repay you by letting a shirtless mr. darling feed you blue bell ice cream. it's not quite the same as matthew mcconaughey but close enough.

11,680 days.

2011-08-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

he's one year older.
a little more wiser.
a lot more goofier.
head over heels in love with his girls.
and if she could talk, i believe ruth would agree with me...
each night mr. darling sneaks out and hangs the moon in the sky just for us.

happy 32nd birthday, mr. darling.

poop. on a friday.

2011-08-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

last night, after our walk, i stripped ruth down for naked time so she could cool off before her bath. while carrying her to the living room to lay on her blanket she pooped on me. not a big deal, i'm used to it by now. so i lay her down and then...do you know what i did? i wiped the poop off my leg with the hem of my shirt.

sidenote for people without babies: breastfed poop is not like normal human poop. it doesn't stink and isn't solid. with that in mind, what i did above hopefully makes you not gag quite as hard.

this morning after taking a shower i was too tired to go into the bedroom and look for a clean shirt. so i put on the shirt from the night before because it was right there on the chair in the bathroom. THE POOP SHIRT. i am wearing a poop shirt because i am too lazy/exhausted to find a clean one.

hey! remember when i wasn't disgusting?

and in other news...
happy friday!

it's all too much.

2011-08-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

today, after feeding ruth, i held her against my chest as she slept. and my tears rolled into her hair. because across the world children are starving and dying before their mama and daddy's eyes. because this world is full of chaos and evil. because there are too many bad people and not enough good ones. because we have to draw a line in the sand and say this is where our boundaries lay, live within it or we will cut you off from our child. because the day of reckoning is coming and hearts are breaking and sometimes i wish i could pack us all up and run away to a secret island and live there forever. where no one bad could reach us, could not hurt us, could not get close enough to cause anymore pain ever again.

six years ago a very good man, a missionary i worked with, told me something. we were evacuating in the midst of a civil war and my heart was in knots. he told me that God gives us the grace we need in the exact moment that we need it. he told me that God had given he and his wife "boarding school grace". that God gave them the grace and strength they needed to send their children to boarding school. and that God was giving me "war grace". i would have everything i needed to make it through in the exact moment that i needed it. and he was correct.

and that's what i am praying today. for God to be near us as the walls close in around us and our hands are forced to move. that He would give us courage and strength. not a timid spirit, but one of power. that we might go forward with open eyes and clean hands. doing our best to live a life that brings Him glory as we do everything in our power to protect our sweet girl.

for the missionaries and aid workers who are ministering to the hurting souls across the world. that they may comfort and help, but also that they may find strength and comfort when their hands quake from exhaustion and sorrow.

for the hurting and dying. because this world is full of evil and pain and it's not their fault, yet they are paying the price. that they may know Christ and His love.

oh, God. be near. be near to the hurting and the dying. hold them close in the palm of Your sweet, scarred hand. hold us near as our hearts break and our hands tremble. and please, sweet Lord, come soon.

so i won't forget.

2011-08-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

dear ruth,

sunday morning we were all ready for church. you had pooped on my pants but i cleaned them up. i was fighting off mastitis and feeling awful but we were determined to go to church. and finally we were ready to go. on time even! just as we put you in your car seat you let out a wail. and not a sleepy cry or a mad cry but a "i'm in PAIN" cry. and you started kicking your legs in that familiar way and immediately i knew your belly was hurting. you must have a gas bubble stuck. and so began one of the longest 20 minutes of my life. you wailed the most pitiful, sad cry i have ever heard. you were hurting and begging for me to make it stop. and i tried, so very hard. with tears running down my face i jostled you, patted your back, rubbed your back, placed you belly down on my legs and bounced you. i did everything i could to get that bubble loose. but you were too upset.

so, i took off my shirt and took off your dress and pulled you close to me. hoping that the skin-to-skin contact might calm you enough so you could relax and let that burp loose. and it did. you finally took a deep breath and burped, spit up a little and sighed a deep sigh. and then, sweet girl, we collapsed on the bed. both of us exhausted and feeling sick. your daddy went on to church for all of us and you and i napped in bed. and when he came home that's how he found us, you laying on my chest, both of us sound asleep. i woke up to him watching us and smiling. and he said, "how are my girls feeling?" he then told me how beautiful we looked and how blessed he was.

and ruth, it was one of the sweetest mornings of my life...you and i asleep together. it reminded me of being in the hospital when you were born. the nurses would have us rest skin-to-skin when your body temperature dropped too low. i'm amazed at the calming effect it has on both of us, to just rest together. i loved your soft head nestled under my chin, feeling you breathe in sync with my breaths.

and i wanted to write it out here for both of us. so that i won't soon forget that sunday morning.

love,
mama

more talk about boobs.

2011-08-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

you know, it's amazing...you have a child and the entire world feels an obligation to give you their opinion. especially loud-mouthed, ill-mannered women.

last month one of these women informed me, nay, TOLD ME, i needed to be pumping and making mr. darling get up at night and feed ruth. because he needs to know what it's like to lose sleep and be miserable (her words) from feeding the baby in the middle of the night.

you know what pisses me off royally about that statement? the implied misery. the implication that a child is a chore, a burden. i cannot tell you how many women i have the privilege of knowing who ache for a child of their own. who long to be able to get up at night and feed that sweet baby. children are not a burden, they are not a source of misery. even at 3am. and so i informed her that getting up at night to breastfeed my daughter is a privilege and an honor. and i did not want to share in those special, middle of the night moments.

she was too stupid to shut up so i just walked off.

this week is world breastfeeding week. and breastfeeding is something i am very passionate about. yes, i realize not all women can breastfeed. but i believe all women should try. and not give up for the simple reason that it is difficult or tiring. because it is...in the beginning it's very painful (not the actual feeding, just the toughening up of your nipples). those first few weeks my feet would POUR SWEAT (weird, i know) when ruth would latch on. but then my nips turned to steel and now it's fine. (so, new moms...hang in there, it gets so much easier, i promise!) and it is tiring, getting up constantly, never getting more than an hour of sleep at a time. but eventually the baby sleeps more and you will sleep more and life gets easier.

i am surprised by how much i love breastfeeding her. how much joy i get from watching her gain weight like a champ, growing big and strong because of my milk. it is a sweet blessing and we are so thankful for it. and do you know what else? i love that it's something only i can provide for her. that when it's time to eat she cries for me, she locks eyes for me and me alone. i love that.

and it does provide some good entertainment. this morning she popped off for a moment and when i looked down i realized milk was spraying her in the face like a water gun. she was grinning away with milk dripping off her eyelashes. and THAT is pretty dang funny.

there is a lot of controversy in society about mothers breastfeeding in public. the people who oppose it equate it as indecent, pornographic and uncomfortable. and i think that speaks volumes to how sick and messed up our society is that someone could equate a baby nursing as dirty and wrong. because nothing could be further from the truth. but what do you expect when your entire world is going to hell in a handbasket? let's force a mom to sit in a filthy bathroom stall to feed her sweet infant because breastfeeding is shameful. IT MAKES ME FURIOUS.

but i'll step back from that soapbox because i don't feel like having my blood pressure spike today.

so, yeah...world breastfeeding week. yay boobs! (i'm coming to realize i talk about boobs a lot on here. welcome to my world.) as a new mom i can say breastfeeding ruth is one of the best decisions we have made for her. and if she could talk, i promise you she would tell you how much she loves her ninny! just look at the fat rolls on that child and tell me she doesn't...yeah, right.

other benefits to breastfeeding:
- do you realize all the tv i get to watch while sitting around feeding her? A LOT.
- no periods! yay!
- naps. i nap when she naps because i am up at night when she's up. and sleeps ups my supply. i love naps.
- 500 calories burned each day by sitting on my butt. do you realize how many cookies that means i can eat? A LOT.
- lowers the risk of breast and ovarian cancer.
- and the cookies. did i mention the cookies?!

fave things. hottest summer on earth edition.

2011-08-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

sidenote: this heat is MISERABLE. the high today is 111 and expected to rise above 115. that's like WEST AFRICA hot. that's like the time i was in mali in the middle of the freaking sahara desert and it was so hot we thought we were dying. except it was a dry heat and here it's humid so it's WORSE. other differences: there aren't goat turds in my sandals. and i don't have to walk around human feces outside. and there are significantly less camels around here. ugh, i miss africa.

let's get on with it. new favorites...

e.l. fudge double stuff cookies. you would be shocked and slightly sickened if i told you how many of these i eat in a week. so, let's just be glad that breastfeeding burns around 500 extra calories a day.

moosejaw. do you know moosejaw? it is AWESOME. go, shop there and be happy. i LOVE this website and brand. they carry the normal outdoorsey brands like north face and patagonia. but there house brand is moosejaw and totally my fave. they have great sales and incredible customer service. i recently placed an order for more moose tees and one that i ordered was sold out. so they sent me an email apologizing and gave me a discount code to use on my next order. THEN they called me just to confirm i received their email and to apologize again. AMAZING customer service. also, their website is funny, their clothes are well made and super soft. who doesn't love a moose on their shirt? too cute.

oh goodness, i love strawberry pop. i usually always pick fanta strawberry over welch's. mainly because it reminds me of this...

FANTA COCKTAIL!!
(tiny pic, but it's the only one i could find online.) this was my FAVORITE drink in africa. it tastes like pineapple and some other fruit mixed together. i love it.

so, on account of my breast milk (bonus points if you can name the friends episode that is from) i'm supposed to drink insane amounts of water. and i lost my nalgene so i grabbed a camelbak bottle one day at target. thought i would give it a whirl. i love it! i think i drink more with a straw. sister refers to it was my camelbak ninny. we say ninny a lot in this household. you would too if boobs were being popped out as often as they are around here.

the other day, while feeding ruth, my mom asked me if my nipples had toughened up. i told her definately, i probably wouldn't feel it if someone put a staple through one of them. my sister looked more than a little horrified.

i love freaking her out like that.

here. and there.

2011-08-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

- Lt. Dan has met his maker. and someone dug a hole and buried the stupid thing instead of throwing it over the fence and into the field behind our house. and someone got choked up when he found Lt. Dan dead in the side yard.

- i tried on jeans today. what? you didn't hear the tortured screams? but seriously...this whole new body after being knocked up can really mess with your head. i am still up 10 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. i've weighed this before (the summer after i ran my full marathon)...and yet, i cannot wear any of those clothes that i wore that pudgy summer. it's like my body has morphed into someone else's. it's just weirder and softer...but everyone says to give yourself 9 months to get back to normal. so, that's my plan...hopefully i'll start to recognize myself soon.

and the thing that's taking the longest to get used to? THESE BOOBS. holy freaking hell. all my life i have had a small chest and i liked it. i never had to wear real bras, clothes fit awesome, etc. but now? it's like i have two gigantic cantaloupes strapped to my chest and i don't know what to do with them! my old shirts don't fit and i hate wearing real bras.

- i have horrible posture since having ruth. mr. darling took a photo of myself holding her after a bath and i looked like the hunchback of notre dame! i think it's from breastfeeding and being hunkered over so often throughout the day. i'm working on being more conscious of my posture. because, man, i looked ridiculous! bad posture is a pet peeve of mine.

- i have also figured out i have diastasis recti...the separation of abdominal muscles. it's a pretty common occurence during a pregnancy and i found a little exercise to determine if i have it or not. and i do. so i found some other exercises that are supposed to help correct it and pull the muscles back together. seriously...pregnancy...who knew it was so intense and had such lasting side effects?? well, me...apparently.

- it's hotter than the backside of hell around here. one day this weekend it was 112. what is this? MALI?! it's ridiculous and too hot to take a baby out...so we run our errands in the morning and stay cooped up inside the rest of the day. we bought thermal/blackout curtains and/or liners for all our windows. i can tell they've been helping keep the house cooler but i do miss having the sunlight pour in during the afternoons. and each evening, just before dark, we venture out for a walk. it's still unbelievably hot but we deal with it just to get some fresh air and exercise. besides, i just love our neighborhood. i love walking the streets and hearing the sprinklers whirls, watching the kids run through the water and zip down driveways on their bikes, talking with our neighbors, seeing yard lights twinkle in the dusk light. it's sort of magical... and as hot as it is now, i know i'll miss it come january. geez, i hate the cold.

- my hair is currently the longest it's been in years. i love it. granted, i only fix it for church and the rest of the time just let it air dry then pile it on top of my head...but still, love it!

o, happy day.

2011-07-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

around the time i found out i was pregnant, there seemed to be some sort of baby explosion in the world. within several weeks of my due date i found out that six of my friends were also due. SIX.

and the nutty part? all of us lived and worked in west africa at the same time. see? weird.

today the last of those friends gave birth.

ruth, mary wallace, seraiah, jazmine, jude, caroline joy and alec...welcome to the world. may your lives be overflowing with love, joy and the presence of our sweet Lord.

God is so deeply and wonderfully good.

no regrets, just love.

photos via.

the one where i am slowly losing my mind.

2011-07-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

last night we (allie, ruth and i) were up from around 3 to 5 a.m. there was a feeding, then a spitting up episode that soaked the couch, ruth's jammers and my underpants (that word cracks me up). so, we had to all change clothes and that woke ruth up big time so she immediately thought it was PARTY TIME. hence, the being awake for a long freaking time. then getting up at 7:30 to eat again.

so, that is why this morning i walked around with my boob hanging out of my shirt. let me rewind...i feed her and burp her. more spitting up (what in the world?!), so i take her to her room to change her again and i keep wondering why my arm is getting wet. whatever, things are weird and i ignore it. i put her down again, hoping she would get more sleep since we were both so tired and go back to the living room to clean up the spit up. that's when i realize for the past five minutes i've been walking around with my boob hanging out of my nursing tank. my arm kept getting wet because i was leaking milk.

and THAT is what kind of morning it has been so far. the kind where your boob hangs out of your shirt AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

first calf heifer.

2011-07-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

first calf heifer...

what my dad (and every other rancher in this area) call over-protective first-time mothers.

okay, background info for all you city folk.

a heifer is a mama cow. and when she has her first calf she becomes a nutcase. wildly over-protective, overreacts to everything, etc. and my dad LOVES to call first time (human) mamas this. mainly because he knows it will get a rise out of me, drives me NUTS.

but, um, now that i am a mom...yeah, it's pretty much true. i'm really only comfortable with myself, mr. darling, my parents and my sister holding or caring for ruth. no one else. of course, other people hold her but i don't like it very much. i'm on edge the entire time. as far as for caring for her (changing her diaper, soothing her while she's crying, etc.)...just the five of us do that. anyone else? i snatch her from them immediately. and i don't apologize for it either. she's my child and it's up to me (and mr. darling) to protect her and watch over her. and sometimes this makes people really angry. it's shocking how many people feel entitled to my child. even in the hospital some people got really upset because i wouldn't let them hold her. the balls some people have...unreal.

so, that's a first calf heifer for you. turns out...it's a spot-on description.

and the sad part that i learned this weekend? it's also necessary.

photo is my own.

scattered.

2011-07-20T06:15:00.000-07:00

i disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. i refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. to enter ordinary relationships. i want ecstacy. i am a neurotic-in the sense that live in my world. i will not adjust myself to the world. i am adjusted to myself.
-- anais nin.

-i've had two anxiety attacks this week. and it's only wednesday. early this morning i had one in my sleep via a nightmare...i woke up drenched in sweat and trying to claw out of my own skin. all morning i've been totally rattled. it was a horrifying nightmare. now i've got to learn to relax, not worry about things out of my control. lay it at the feet of my Lord and leave it there.

- i've come to realize life is a constant state of juggling. i know how to be a wife. and i know how to be a mom. but i'm still learning how to be both at the same time. both balls in the air all at once. it's complicated and a skill i imagine will take much longer than 8 weeks to master.

- it's stunning...this mama bear protective instinct that reared it's head when ruth arrived. it's fierce and it's very much real. and a certain person is about to meet it head freaking on.

- my doctor gave me clearance to start running again. and while i am really excited about getting started again...i also struggle with a choice...i can run on the treadmill while ruth naps in the afternoon. OR i can take a nap as well. and well, these days...yes, i would much rather SLEEP.

- God is good and merciful. over and over this summer i have seen His hand protect my family. it's humbling and beautiful. and i need to remember that when satan attacks and fills my mind with worry and fear...He is good. and He is worthy of our trust and praise.

photos via.

fave items. the baby crap edition.

2011-07-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

in lieu of a rant-filled post i thought i would censor myself and do this one instead.

baby items that have been invaluable to us these first 8 weeks...

fisher price rock n' play.
this thing is worth it's weight in GOLD. ruth hates her crib, it's too wide open for her. so, kate told me about this and we ordered it immediately. it arrived before she was two weeks old and she's been sleeping in it ever since. she adores it. it's lightweight and portable (we take it to my parents' so she has a place to nap), rocks, has mesh sides for proper air flow, and in inclined if your baby has reflux. it's brilliant. it's also great to take from room to room, in the mornings she hangs out in it in the bathroom while i shower.

the only downside is she will eventually out grow it. it holds up to 24lbs but i imagine in a couple of weeks she'll be too long for it. and then she'll have to go to her crib...and no one is looking forward to that transition.

anyways, i would say this has been our #1 best baby purchase EVER.

fisher price take-along swing.
i wasn't sure about a swing...i've heard babies either love them or hate them. our whole theme for baby crap has been the no frills way. you can go hog-wild with baby junk and spend a LOT of money. but this is the cheapest swing there is, no mobile hanging over it and it's portable. i'm SOLD. and it turns out that ruth loves it. she usually hangs out in it in the evenings in the kitchen while i cook and while we eat supper. it's lightweight and easy to move from room to room.

boppy.
love the boppy. above is ruth less than a week old, snoozing away on her boppy. it's where she slept that first week and the only place she napped for the first four weeks. she doesn't sleep on it anymore but we prop it up with a pillow and she'll lounge on it next to us on the couch if she's fussy. and it's also great for breastfeeding at night (it's original purpose). it fits snuggly around my waist and makes it easy to support her when i'm half asleep.

we have two boppy covers, one (pictured) is super soft chenille and a second 100% cotton. the chenille is our fave.

halo sleep sack.
allowing infants to sleep with blankets is a HUGE no-no. so the halo sleep sack is brilliant! ruth hates to be swaddled, so this was perfect for us. she used her for the first four weeks of her life. after that this ridiculous heat wave hit and her body learned to regulate temperature better. so the sleep sack hasn't been necessary lately, it's just way too hot and she stays warm enough in just her footed pajamas. but we love these and she'll definitely be using them all through the cooler months.

gas drops.
i gave birth to the gassiest baby EVER. she's just like her daddy. our pediatrician recommended i give her a dosage of gas drops three times a day. oh my word, it's like a whole new baby. before i could tell she was in pain and it took forever to get her to burp and pass that gas. so much better now. of course, i've also revamped my diet big time...so i imagine that has a lot to do with it as well. but yeah, i'm a big fan of gas drops. i keep a bottle with me at all times.

sleepy wrap.
i forgot to upload a pic but here is a link to one (bottom pic). often, when ruth is fussy in the evenings, putting her in her wrap and wearing her around the house is the ONLY thing that calms her down. we've logged a lot of hours in this thing, pretty sure i could tie it in my sleep. tonight i took her on a walk in it and she was asleep before we hit the end of the block. it's like baby magic.

misc. items:

washable, waterproof flannel pads that we keep on her changing pad. you can get them at babies-r-us and they are brilliant. my mom got them for us and it's really lovely. we keep one on top of her changing pad cover and it really cuts down on how many times i have to wash the cover. because, man, babies just know when you take that diaper off it's time to let loose!

gerber cloth diapers. these are fantastic for burp cloths.

so, that's about it. there are a lot of other items we love but these are the best. in other news, i think i'm addicted to e.l. fudge cookies. i can't stop eating them. i would tell you how many i eat in a week but then you would probably pass out from shock. the double stuffed ones are the best.

this morning. going to church.

2011-07-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

i used to get a kick out of dressing up the dog. now it's the baby.

and MAN ALIVE, she got mad at me for putting that hat on her head.

sweet summer.

2011-07-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of things about being a mom that have surprised me. and some things i was expecting...like the lack of sleep and having some sort of body fluid on my person at all times. but the ache...the ache i was not prepared for.

she grows so fast. it's stunning. and i'm so thankful...my words are inadequate to express how deeply thankful i am that she is healthy and thriving. because that? that is a blessing. some moms and dads don't get that luxury...to watch their babies grow big and strong. (please pray for this family, my heart breaks for them.) i never want to take this specific blessing for granted...and it's something i daily lay before His throne. to protect her and keep her healthy and safe.

but it's a little sad, too. she's not as tiny as she once was. and that's where the ache comes in...the reality that she won't always be like this. her tiny head won't always bobble around. her pudgy hands won't always grip my shirt as she nurses. and that causes my heart to ache.

and i know that each stage will be special in it's own way and i am delighted to watch her grow and discover the world around her. but this summer will forever be sacred in my mind. the summer she burst into our world. the summer we cuddled and laughed. the summer she locked eyes with me and smiled her first smile. the summer nights we spent cuddled on the couch, her nursing and me doing nothing but smelling her sweet head and listening to her breathing. the summer i fell head over heels in love with my sweet ruth.

so, if you stop by...don't mind the dirty kitchen floor or the dusty bookcases. just turn a blind eye, please. because i've been so busy loving on my girl. the chores can wait, i've got more important things to do.

all over the place.

2011-07-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

- yesterday was miss ruth's first trip to church. it was...interesting.

mr. darling putting ruth in her carseat, headed to church. she's wearing my fave dress she owns, a sweet kissy kissy dress my mom's bff gave her.

so, church. i thought i had it all planned out. would feed her just before we left. church takes place during her morning nap time...she would sleep through the entire thing. perfection. except it went the exact opposite of that. she never fell asleep and once we got there she was fussy because she was tired. so i put her in her wrap and we sat in the lobby listening to the sermon. a and maybe it was the intense sleep deprivation from the night before (3 hours total, gah.) but the sermon made NO SENSE AT ALL. then it was time for her to eat after he had preached for 10 mins. and is it necessary to sing EIGHT SONGS in a row. i mean, seriously. so, i fed her in the backseat of the car then we went to lunch where the tooter snoozed the entire time.

church visit #1 - total bust.
first restaurant meal with mr. darling since ruth was born - total success!

headed to church.

- one thing you should know about me, i'm fairly irreverant about most all things. case and point: mr. darling discovered a den of baby bunnies under our lawn mower on saturday. he moved it and an explosion of rabbits ran everywhere. they aren't newborns but small enough their mom still takes care of them. so, he comes running inside in a freaking panic about these stupid bunnies. and he makes me help him gather them up and put them back in their home. so there we are in 110 degree heat in the middle of the afternoon (WHO IN THE HECK MOWS IN THE AFTERNOON IN OKLAHOMA? GOOD GRIEF.) and i'm traipsing through the neighbor's yard with a snow shovel scooping up baby bunnies.

oh, but it gets better. one of the bunnies was born without use of it's hind legs. so it just drags them behind him. i named this bunny Lt. Dan. and mr. darling is convinced he maimed this bunny when he moved the mower. except he didn't, but try convincing him of that. so, here is this man who is, perhaps, the manliest man i have ever known, almost in TEARS at the sight of this crippled bunny.

and it gets better.

saturday night i get out of the shower and he tells me he found the crippled bunny in the yard and put it in a box with grass and a paper towel bed and put it in the garage because, "if it's going to die, it should die comfortable and in shelter." he was convinced this bunny would not live through the night. except, it totally did and now we have to check on these stupid rabbits multiple times a day.

in conclusion, does anyone want a pet rabbit?

- in between nap times ruth can sometimes get fussy. so i will put a blanket on the floor and let her lay naked on it. cupcakes, it's her most favorite thing in the whole world. this kid LOVES to be naked. her face literally lights up and she just smiles and laughs and kicks her legs like she's running a race. it's so freaking cute.

naked time.

but you know what isn't cute? when mr. darling calls needing something at the exact moment ruth sneezes, toots and shoots poop across the blanket and allie comes over there sniffing wanting to investigate the poop. THEN IT BECOMES A STINKING CIRCUS.

- i read that most baby are fussy in the evenings. um, that book was so not kidding. from about 6-9, things get very dicey around this place. it's evening, she's tired, hungry and ready for bed and that's makes the girl CRANKY. often the only way we can get her calm is by doing this...

do you know how many meals i have eaten with her strapped to my chest? TOO MANY TO COUNT. but i love it. nothing is sweeter then feeling her head under my chin and hearing her upset cries turn to contented sighs just because she is near me. it absolutely takes my breath away that just being near me can make her calm. it's overwhelming and humbling.

tgif

2011-07-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

have a lovely weekend, cupcakes!

and congrats to kate and chris on the arrival of miss jazmine eliza!

favorite things. july edition.

2011-07-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

things i'm loving lately...

mahjong tile game.

this is a matching game that i have on my phone and i cannot tell you how many games i have played while feeding ruth. THOUSANDS. my sister and i got hooked on this a million years ago when we were kids and my family got our first computer. and yes, this is a game that the elderly love to play.

hello, sonic happy hour! and hello, vanilla sprite!

since i can't have caffeine anymore (it upsets the chunky monkey's belly) i have embraced vanilla sprite. and happy hour. and realized i am much more sane by the time evening rolls around if i get out of the house once a day. and i'm playing it loose and free with the word sane. trust me.

avocados.

i eat one a day, no lie. there is not a lot i can eat right now but i eat these like crazy. squirt with fresh lemon juice, sea salt and ENJOY.

benefit's ooh la lift.

i know i've talked about this before but seriously, this stuff is MAGICAL. like tiny little makeup fairies crapped it out or something. i look tired about 27 hours in a day and this makes the dark circles seem not so glaringly obvious. the makeup is a pale pink color and full of iridescent light reflectors. i love it, can't get enough of it!

sedu sea salt spray.

i don't really have a lot of time anymore to fix my hair. and when i do, let's be honest, i don't care about putting forth the effort. this stuff is pretty freaking great. actually, perhaps not this specific stuff but just sea salt sprays in general. i put some anti-frizz cream in my hair and then spray this on and let air dry. my curls are nice and curly, no frizz and great texture. and frederick fekkai also makes a great wave spray, too.

caress body wash.

when ruth was born i brought a little travel bottle of this soap with me to the hospital. now, everytime i use it i think of when she was born. i love it. it also reminds me of summer camp when i was in high school, i must have used it then, too. plus, it gets the STINK off of me. no kidding, at the end of the day i do not smell so great. i've sweated, been pooped on, peed on, spit up on...it's not pretty. and a hot shower with some nice products makes me feel human again.

frederick fekkai's clarifying apple cider shampoo.

i LOVE clarifying shampoo. i tend to use a lot of product in my hair so this stuff is necessary. when kate got married several years ago i went and stayed several days with her before the wedding. she had this shampoo in her shower and i fell in love with it then. now, everytime i use it i think of that week...the beach and running around in that crazy heat and humidity and my sweet friend.

so, tell me...what are you loving lately? any new products i NEED to try out??

2011-07-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

happy 4th of july weekend from the darling's!

i took these photos one morning after ruth had pooped and peed on three different outfits...so we went for the natural look. i love her expressions. and please note the blur of hands and feets in the last pic...the child NEVER sits still unless she is in a dead sleep.

talking about the 40lb pink elephant in the room. (um, perhaps a bad choice of words?)

2011-06-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

when i was knocked up i LOVED reading about girls getting back into shape after having a baby. or how their body changed...basically because the subject both scared the crap out of me and fascinated me equally. i mean...it's freaky what your body goes through when you're pregnant.

so, it's my turn.

to review... i went from this:

about 6 wks pregnant.

to this:

about 38 wks pregnant.

i gained around 40 lbs. yes, 40. i believe the words you are looking for are HOLY and CRAP.

i don't have a current picture but i've made a note to take one the next time i look halfway decent and post it. but i've lost about 30 lbs so far (as of last week, i haven't weighed since then). sometime around week 36 of pregnancy i woke up to stretch marks on my belly. turns out all the lotions and oils in the world can't stop those little devils...they are hereditary. but, whatever...it is what it is.

i haven't done anything to lose the weight in the past 5 weeks other than breastfeed and take walks in the evening. thhe first couple of weeks i had no appetite AT ALL. now i stay pretty hungry throughout the day...breastfeeding burns up calories like CRAZY and i find i have to snack and have at least two full meals a day if i don't want to start feeling crappy. i read that it's important to eat high (naturally) fat foods to assure that your hindmilk is rich in calories for the baby. so i've been making sure i eat plenty of cheese, avocados, etc.

i think the weirdest thing was after giving birth your belly is FREAKY. first off, you look around 4 months pregnant. and instead of your abdomen being rock hard it feels like a marshmallow. super weird. and i know for me...it's still like that. i've read some blogs and the girl looks totally back in shape just two weeks after having popping out a kid. yeah, that's not me...and what i assume isn't most women. my belly is still soft and there is a pooch but whatever...at least i can still SEE MY FREAKING FEET.

and honestly...the biggest weird thing for me is my boobs. they are HUGE (for me) and i can't get used to them. none of my old shirts fit and they make it uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach. so weird...

i'm looking forward to starting up running and riding my bike again. i think that will do wonders for helping me feel a little bit more normal and sane again.

sidenote: i just went back and re-read this and it sounds like a 4th grader wrote it. forgive me. the chunky monkey decided to start her day at 3:30 this morning after just a few hours of sleep. and that was after screaming for a few hours all evening. so, yes...my brain is fried. thanks for understanding.

also, please send tequila. and earplugs.

life isn't a hallmark movie, that's for sure.

2011-06-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

a few days ago i read a quote, by a mom of three boys, that the hardest adjustment is going from zero kids to one. and coming from a woman with three kids under the age of four...well, i felt validated. i felt less crazy.

ruth turns five weeks old today. we are finally getting used to having a baby join our life. the thing is, of course you know there will be sleepless nights and dirty diapers, etc. but no one tells you that you might find yourself sad at the loss of how things used to be. of course, you LOVE your child. but it's a huge adjustment.

i know, for me, the hardest was week three. the first two were difficult...but mr. darling was home with me the first week, then my mom came and stayed the second. then...i was alone. and suddenly had a lot of time to think and realize how things had changed.

before ruth was born mr. darling and i had a ritual. when he came home from work each evening, he would change clothes and he, allie and i would all pile on the bed and talk about our day. it was our special time when we could reconnect and talk about anything we wanted with no interruptions. i loved that time. and we can't do that anymore...it's just impossible with a baby that is hungry or tired or yelling just to yell. and it was really hard for me to come to grips with the fact that it would be quite some time before we had that time again. i was sad about losing that.

and then there was allie...dude, this dog really was thrown for a loop. the week prior to giving birth she started peeing on our bed almost daily. i really believe she could sense what was about to occur and it was scaring her. she didn't understand. since ruth's birth she's not had an accident. weird, right? after the birth, al was left alone (except for at night) for a few days and that was another hurdle for her. then we brought home THE BABY. poor dog moped around for WEEKS. her schedule was thrown out the window, walks were a distant memory, etc. and i felt guilty about that. but now she seems to have adjusted, her walks have been restored and she adores ruth. she's never far from ruth's side.

and then there were the little things that aren't really little at all...dinner dates, snowcone runs together, going to bed at the same time each night. it's hard to realize these things are over for the moment. i mean, yes, i know one day we'll have the freedom to do all of this again...but for this moment, this season, these things are on hold. and i had to come to grips with that.

now, five weeks in, we are adjusting to our new normal...and it's different, messier and achingly beautiful. i've learned to survive on very little sleep. mr. darling has learned to read between the lines of my meltdowns. he's learned what i need from him without me having to ask. and we are learning our daughter's personality and what works for her. it's a slow process...and i wish someone would have told me in the beginning that it's okay if it's not a storybook setting in the beginning. it's okay to be sad over the huge changes and to give yourself time to adjust. the stress and sleep deprivation and physical pain/healing is intense...be kind to yourself.

because one day that screaming monkey will look at you and break into a gigantic grin. she'll bury her soft head into your neck and sigh and suddenly...in that moment, it will all be worth it. it will all become crystal clear.

one month.

2011-06-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

dear ruth,

this past friday you turned one month old. an entire month, baby ruth! THAT is a big deal. and i can tell you that it has been both the longest and shortest month of my entire life.

right now you are laying in your cradle in your room throwing the world's biggest fit. your fists are bawled up and swinging and you are MAD. you see, last monday you decided that sleep was for losers and you were no loser! and WHAM, just like that...no more naps. and very little sleep at night. both of us were exhausted and miserable.

so, i read up on babywise at the suggestion of kate. and your pediatrician assured me that nothing was wrong with you. most babies go through this around 3 or 4 months old but apparently you decided to tackle it early. he told me to just lay you down when it's time to sleep and let you sort it out on your own. so, that's what we do in 15 minute increments. and you know what? IT WORKS. you cry for a few minutes and then fall asleep on your own. and we are all happier because of it.

but in the midst of this we have learned one thing...you may look just like your daddy but you have your mama's temper. that's for sure.

first shopping trip.

you have gained about 2.5 pounds since birth. i could not be more proud of you. i am so thankful to the Lord that He has blessed our breastfeeding efforts. now that it doesn't hurt as much anymore it's becoming a time i look forward to...i love to look down and see your tiny hand clenching my shirt or patting my chest. to hear your coos and feel your tiny body rest on mine. usually when you are done eating you pop off the boob and fling your head back, the most contented look on your face with milk dribbling out the side of your mouth. it never fails to make me laugh.

this week your daddy was away on a business trip. so, you and i and allie packed up the house and headed to the ranch to spend the week with your gigi and paw-paw. we missed your dad so much but it was also such a sweet blessing to spend the week with your grandparents.

every night they would watch you while i showered. and every night i would leave the bathroom and peek around the corner and see the same scene... they would both be holding you and looking at you like you were the most amazing little creature ever. laughing and talking to you and loving on you like crazy. and ruth, we both adored those moments. you drank them up...smiling and watching them with wide eyes. and it melted my heart to see my parents loving on my sweet daughter. God is so good to us.

this week you started smiling. and yesterday when you saw your daddy for the first time in a week you smiled at him. he turned to me with a shocked look on his face and all i could say was, "i know." you see, ruth, you have turned our world upside down. in the absolute best way possible.

there are not a lot of things in this world that i can promise you, sweet girl. but you can rest assured on these simple truth... i would move heaven and earth to make you smile. i would fight the devil himself and WIN to keep you safe. your gigi, paw-paw and auntie adore you beyond words. your daddy and i will love you forever. he and i will love each other forever. Jesus loves you and died for you. and not much in this life is worth anything at all...but He is. love Him, ruth. trust Him and rest in Him. and when you are ready, i pray you will give your heart and life to Him. and you will live a life that glorifies Him. because, at the end of the day, He's all that matters.

i love you to the moon and back.

love,
mama

just before dawn.

2011-06-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

what my lap looks like most mornings.
the baby eating breakfast and the pup snoozing away.

his first.

2011-06-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

sunday will be mr. darling's first father's day.
while i was pregnant i asked mr. darling if he was nervous about being a dad and how he would know what to do. and he said, "i'll just be to her everything that i never had."

you see, mr. darling has never known his father and his childhood was...not good. so, it's been so important to him that ruth have everything he never had in a childhood. it's so important to us both. and in three weeks i have watched him live out his words.

he is wrapped around her tiny finger. he sings to her, bends over backwards making goofy faces to make her smile, he holds her and stares at her like she is the most amazing creature in the world.

and it's not just her he adores...it's me also. it's him doing everything in his power to make our family and our home full of love.

when i think of the day ruth was born, i think of how mr. darling became my hero. how he never faltered, he never not stopped being my encourager, my rock. from the tiny things...like unhooking my monitors and trailing me to the bathroom every 20 minutes with my i.v. tower because the fluids were running right through me. and reassuring me that the sight of my water breaking was not disgusting.

to the huge, gigantic things...running out of the room and yelling for help when i began to hyperventilate at the end. standing by my side at every single contraction, holding onto me and telling me how great i was doing. to holding me up as i pushed, telling me over and over how i was doing so good and it was almost over. and when it was so scary and everyone was yelling and i was screaming, his head was buried in my neck and in my ear i could tell him tell me over and over how much he loved me. and for as long as i live i will remember that moment...it changed us both forever. while the whole world was yelling and we thought she was in danger, i was roaring as i pushed with all my might into the world...while the whole room was in chaos, there he was, holding me up and telling me of his love for me over and over.

he was a hero to both ruth and i that day.

happy father's day, darling.
we love you to the moon and back.

saying goodbye to mimi.

2011-06-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

oh Lord, be near us today.

day 20.

2011-06-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

observations on my 20th day of being a mom...

- just when you think the baby MIGHT be getting on a schedule...feeding every three (three, YAY!) hours and sleeping at night...WHAM. that baby shows you what's up and suddenly you haven't slept for 31 hours because the baby decides that sleep? SLEEP IS FOR WEINERS.

- remember when i was excited she was eating every three hours? i was a FOOL. it's back to two hours now. and i learned something else...you don't start timing the feedings when one meal ends. NOPE. it's from the start of one feeding to the start of another. so right now it looks like this...
2am: ruth wakes screaming, wants to EAT and EAT NOW. change diaper. get her latched onto the boob.
2:30ish to 2:40ish: she is full and stops eating.
the next 20-30 minutes are spent burping and trying to lull her back to sleep. and this is a GOOD NIGHT. on difficult nights when she thinks it's time to party (like last night) i burp and rock her for an hour.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? if it's a good night i get an hour of sleep. if it's a bad night...i'm lucky to lay down.

you want to put some effective birth control for teens into action? make them do this little routine for a week straight...THAT SHOULD KEEP THEIR PANTS ON THEM FOR AWHILE.

- a few nights ago, around 3am, i was changing her diaper. girl was MAD and screaming. she cried so hard she tooted and shot poop onto the sleeve of my robe. do you know what i did? i took a baby wipe, wiped off the poo and went about my business, continuing to wear the robe for the remainder of the night. my standards of cleanliness have been lowered significantly.

- yesterday i ran to the store to look for something to wear to a funeral tomorrow. first of all, trying on clothes under florescent lights is never fun. but doing it not even three weeks after having a baby? HAVE I LOST MY FREAKING MIND? i wanted to punch something. it was not fun.

- while breastfeeding can be difficult and painful...man alive, it eats away the calories. i have lost 27 of the 40 (yes, 40) pounds i gained while pregnant.

- mr. darling and i have learned it now takes focused effort to stop and spend some time together each day. to sit down, do our devotion together and actually talk. it's so easy to get swept up in taking care of ruth and dealing with life and forget we haven't even hugged each other yet that day. i can see how easy it would be to allow your marriage to get the short end of the stick with a new baby around...you have to make it a priority.

- being able to sleep on my back and stomach again is AWE-wait for it-SOME.

- ruth is such a blessing. yes, it's hard and exhausting taking care of her. but it's a joy...i adore those moments when her tiny body molds onto mine while i feed her, hearing her breathe and coo. or when she falls asleep on my chest, her tiny head burrowed into my shoulder. she is a delight to us and a tremendous blessing. we are so humbled and overjoyed to be her parents.

note to self.

2011-06-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

people tell you this newborn baby thing will be difficult. but you don't really understand it until it's 3am and your half-pint has been screaming since midnight and you have NO IDEA WHY. and she doesn't stop until dawn. and suddenly you find yourself putting her in her crib and walking into the kitchen and screaming into your hands. because it's so hard. and exhausting. and you have no idea why she's so upset. so you sit on the couch and hold her while she cries at your breast and you cry too. because they said it would be hard, but you had no idea it would be this kind of hard.

my mom keeps telling me it won't be like this forever. she's just two weeks old and someday she'll sleep at night and you'll learn what calms her down. and every day will get easier. like monday, after the longest night ever, i learned i can't eat pepperoni pizza...because, man alive, does it give ruth a bellyache.

and i guess i'm writing this today because i needed to remind myself that one day i'll look back and remember this time fondly. i'll remember how tiny she is and how exhausted and confused i am. and i'll laugh because, sure enough, we figured it out. we learned about each other and eventually her days and nights flipped. and i'll be sad and long for the day when she was so small, so sweet. and no matter how difficult this is, no matter how many tears i sit and cry as i hold her while she eats for the hundredth time that day...i want to remember the smell of her tiny head. how soft her skin is and how she smiles after eating, with milk dribbling out of the corner of her mouth. how she sighs and burrows her head into my neck. i don't want to forget one moment...even the difficult moments that occur while the rest of the world sleeps.

a sleepy sunday.

2011-06-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

milk coma.

that little face makes nights like last night
(three, one-hour stretches of sleep) totally worth it.

tips for mama...from my point of view.

2011-06-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

i wanted to get this post completed before i forget...i know a lot of you are pregnant and hopefully you might find this helpful!

tip for mama - labor/delivery/hospital stay

disclaimer: i know nothing about c-sections or epidurals so this will be coming from a vaginal and natural delivery point of view.

- i was allowed to drink clear liquids/eat popsicles if i wanted them. i chose to drink sprite and grape juice. i STRONGLY recommend this (you will need the calories later on) and do it during early labor...later on you'll want to throw it across the room. i also recommend eating and drinking at home before you head the hospital...you will need this energy later as labor ramps up.

- take your own pillows. hospital pillows suck. they are plastic and flat as a pancake.

- take what makes you comfortable. i brought my ipod/speakers and jolly ranchers. i ended up not using both but i believe both are good in theory.

- BRING CHAPSTICK. i brought a big tube of aquaphor. i recommend this or vaseline...you're going to need something heavy duty and thick. you will become beyond dehydrated from all the breathing and sweating.

- if you are going natural, try and remain as relaxed as possible between and during contractions. conserve your energy. and later, during delivery...if you want to yell, YELL. it's okay.

- check your dignity and vanity at the door. by the time it was time to push i had shed my hospital gown and was wearing nothing but a sports bra and was pouring sweat. like, my hair was plastered to my face. in between contractions mr. darling would wipe down my face with a cool rag. i was drenched, exhausted and totally over looking pulled together. and your dignity...i think this one goes without saying.

- after delivery: take some photos. we totally forgot this other than a few. there are some with her on the scales and one my doctor took of mr. darling holding her and a blurry few of her on my chest immediately after i delivered her. but thos classic family shots? nope. but it was a little different for us...there were tornado warnings and mr. darling was panicking that my parents home was destroyed, etc. also, the two hours following delivery i was nursing and naked doing kangaroo care. but i do wish we had got one pic of all of us together. take time for that...but it will be hard, it's an emotionally charged time and a LOT is going on.

- if you are planning to breastfeed...encourage the babe to latch on and try within those first two hours. it's so important and part of the reason i believe ruth has been so great at feeding since then. but don't give up if her/his latch is off...take advantage of the nurses knowledge on breastfeeding. i found them invaluable.

- take your pain meds. don't try to be a hero, TAKE THEM.

- bring some lanolin to the hospital with you and put it on your nips. trust me, you'll thank me later. i forgot and mr. darling brought mine up the next day...but by then it was almost too late and mine were scabbed and almost cracked. read: SO MUCH PAIN. lanolin is amazing, USE IT.

- bring your own clothes to wear the next day...you'll feel like crap but at least you won't be wearing a hospital gown. although i did sleep in a hospital gown both nights, it was the handiest for middle of the night feedings.

*****

tips for mama - at home, the first week.

- have a bottle of stool softener at home and TAKE IT. they should give it to you at the hospital, resume your regime immediately (two a day) or you will regret it. i stopped for a few days before mr. darling and my dad ran out on an emergency poop pill run. it was bad. by the end of the night i was crying and in pain. TAKE THOSE POOP PILLS.

- you might want to look into getting a pill box or dry erase board to hang in your bathroom to remind you what to take and when. the sleep deprivation will be at an all time high and you're going to forget to take something.

- if someone offers you help, take them up on it.

- sleep when the baby sleeps. SERIOUSLY.

- stock up on nursing pads, maxi pads and snacks.

- my mom gave me this advice yesterday during my meltdown...on those sleepless nights, just go with it. don't fight it. sleep during the day and remember this won't last forever.

hope this helps!

our new normal.

2011-06-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

we are 10 days into life with ruth.
here are my uncensored thoughts on our new world...

breastfeeding.
breastfeeding is exhausting. ruth has taken to it like a champ but we still have moments like this morning...i was exhausted and sick from the tetanus shot i received yesterday. it was a looong night of little sleep and ruth was so frustrated. her diaper was dirty but i was too tired to realize that was the problem. so i'm crying, begging her to latch on and feed because surely in 4.5 seconds my boobs would EXPLODE. and she was crying, frustrated and uncomfortable. eventually i figured out the issue after mr. darling held her and pointed out her diaper was full. um, DUH.

but that's a pretty picture-perfect example of the trial and error that is breastfeeding. you have to figure out what the issue is and work through the frustration. and the pain. OH MY WORD. ten days in and my nipples are finally starting to toughen up...but up until now? there were times i would sit and cry while she ate because it hurt the nips so badly. it felt like needles being stabbed through them. but my mom and kate both encouraged me to stay focused and not to give up...eventually the pain would lessen. and they were right.

my milk came in on day three...hello, BOOBIES. now they pain is more of the engorged variety. and my supply is learning to regulate. but right now it's extremely uncomfortable and at the moment my right boob is significantly larger than my left...it's so weird. the first week i nursed on demand, per my pediatrician's suggestion. this made sure that my milk came in good and strong (turns out breastmilk is a supply and demand sort of thing). nursing on demand was hard...it meant i was feeding her around every 1.5 hours around the clock. but on tuesday he said she could go to a three hour stretch if that was what i wanted. so we've pretty much got her on that schedule except for the evenings when she tends to cluster feed.

anyways, that's breastfeeding. it's challenging and beyond rewarding. i'm learning her cues about when she is hungry or when she is just wanting to suck on something to soothe. right now we aren't introducing bottles or pacifiers simply because i want her to really get a good hold on breastfeeding before introducing artificial nipples. but it's amazing to watch her eat away and when she's done to see that look of pure contentment from being so full. and when the pediatrician told me she gained 10 ounces in 4 days and surpassed her birth weight...TOTALLY WORTH all the discomfort and frustration. she is thriving and i could not be more thankful.

sleep.
sleep is rare these days but not the worst. ruth naps like a champ during the day. she naps laying in her boppy (like in the above photo) in the living room. i never wanted her to have to require complete darkness or quiet to sleep. so i've found keeping her in the main living areas where there is lots of light and noise work best during the day. and sure enough, sweet girl sleeps through the vacuum cleaner and the dog barking as she chases it around.

she's so great at putting herself to sleep and prefers to be laid down and left alone. but night can be a different story. her days and nights are still flipped. the first week she hated her crib, it was too wide open and i could tell she it made her uncomfortable. so she slept in her boppy and we crashed in the living room together. but slowly she has adjusted to the crib and two nights ago she did great waking only to eat every 3 hours then going right back to sleep. then there are nights like last night where she is awake is and fussing for the majority of the night hours. makes for a looong night.

i'm trying to keep it in perspective...ten days is so very young and eventually she'll get on the right schedule and we will sleep again. but until then i am learning what real sleep deprivation is...and holy crap, it's a trip.

gigi.
my mom is staying with us this week. it's pretty much the greatest thing in the entire world. seriously. she cooks for us and organized my kitchen and watches ruth while i nap and has pretty much saved the day. and i know that sounds silly but this transition is so difficult...a new baby, allowing my body to heal, dealing with little sleep...but having my mom here has made it bearable. and i can ask her questions and she reassures me it's all quite normal. and i just can't say it enough...i am so thankful for her to be here during this time. it's been so special to share it with her. ruth is so lucky to have such a wonderful gigi.

recovery.
um, it takes awhile. be patient with your body and allow it to heal. but honestly? it's not as horrific as i thought it would be. it's not a walk in the park, but it's also not a nightmare.

our world.
so, yes...our world has changed. and changed in huge ways. now mr. darling and i spend our evenings giving miss ruth a bath and laughing when she poops or pees on us. (happens EVERY time) we stare at her constantly, oooh-ing and aww-ing over her cute faces and sweet sounds she makes. we are exhausted and amazed. God is huge and good. and we are in awe of all that He has done for us. she burst into our world and made us a mom and a dad. and nothing will ever be the same again.

moral of the story: don't be cocky.

2011-05-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

this morning i was thinking to myself...

self, this isn't that bad. i mean, i'm tired and all...but i haven't been crying that much. this hormone stuff isn't bad at all! maybe i just handle it better than other women. i've totally got this!

and then the good Lord humbled me big time. all i've done is cry today. or irrationally lose my cool at mr. darling because he looked at me the wrong way.

lesson learned.

post-natal hormones are no laughing matter. neither is sleep deprivation. and the combination of the two makes for some sort of nasty, snotty milkshake.

i literally have no concept of time anymore. it's weird.

2011-05-28T03:47:00.000-07:00

-- mr. darling took this week off from work and we've enacted some sort of plan of attack. he sleeps during the night (at my STRONG urging) while i feed miss ruth. her days and nights are flipped so at night it is PARTY TIME. and she cluster feeds at night so it's pretty much constant. my thinking is one of us needs to be rested during the day and it is impossible for it to be me.

then during the day i sleep while mr. darling takes over ruth-duty and brings her to me when she's hungry. sounds good on paper, right? we think so. still haven't been able to put it into action due to pediatrician appointments and, you know, LIFE.

-- the nurses showed me kangaroo care. it's skin on skin therapy...basically, ruth gets stripped down to her diaper and i take off my clothes from the waist up. then she lays on my chest and we cover up with blankets. it's beneficial on several levels...it teaches her body to regulate her body temperature. her body automatically adjusts to my temp. it teaches her my external scent, soothes her and usually wakes her up enough to nurse. we LOVE kangaroo care. we did this the first two hours after she was born...it was the sweetest thing ever. and i try to do it a couple of times throughout the night. especially when her body temp gets too low.

-- mr. darling also does kangaroo care. it's adorable. and hilarious when she starts nuzzling and trying to nurse on him!

at the hospital, just before being discharged.

-- i'm still on some sort of labor/delivery high. it was an unbelievable experience. and i'm so thankful we were, for the most part, able to have the sort of labor and delivery i had hoped for. that is such a blessing.

-- it's impressive how your body can get used to surviving on such tiny amounts of sleep.

-- since having ruth i have felt very...calm. i feel like i was created to do this and instinctually i just know what to do in most situations. it's a very surreal feeling. honestly, i was a little worried because i've never been very maternal. and, as a child and adult, never dreamed of being a mom. but i was worrying over nothing, apparently.

-- my milk came in yesterday. um, HELLO GIGANTIC BOOBIES. holy crap! also? my nipples hurt so badly i want to scream. ruth is doing so great with nursing. she eats every 2 hours...usually. sometimes it's every 30 minutes. her pediatrician encouraged me to nurse her on demand these first couple of weeks...so when she snaps, i jump.

mr. darling asked what the nipple pain felt like and my response was, "well, imagine someone taking your weiner and stapling 1,000 staples into it. except nipple pain is worse because there are TWO nipples and you only have one weiner." he definately cringed at that explanation.

-- last night kate and i talked for a long time. laughed at all the insanity that comes along with childbirth. it was balm on this girl's tired heart to talk with my sweet friend and realize we are going through the exact same things. and it's a little spooky...both of us giving birth on our exact due dates, laboring for 22 and 23 hours and our girls arriving at almost the exact same time of day. i cannot wait for the day mary wallace and ruth get to meet!

miss ruth LOVES to be carried around in her sleepy wrap.

-- the hospital sent home some dermaplast with me. it's a numbing spray to spray on myself down there to deal with the pain that comes along with shooting a watermelon out my hoo-haw and the subsequent stitches. i might have texted my sister the other day, declaring my LOVE for dermaplast and saying it is, "like cocaine for your cooter." seriously. it's awesome, it helps me be able to function like a normal person and, you know, SIT DOWN. well, that and percocet.

-- if you take a look at ruth's tiny pinkie finger you'll see mr. darling wrapped around it. it's adorable and totally melts my heart. he adores her. and we are so thankful for him. it's amazing to watch how much this whole experience has changed him...

it's changed us both.